#listening to superbloom this is what you get

[edge-oftheworld]

pop punk 5sos6 this heavier 5sos that summer brothers country 5sos ‘when will they give us a rock album that shows off ashtons drumming properly’ believe me I want all of these things too but hear me out: folk 5sos

[reds-skull]

Not Alive, Nor Dead

[PREV PART] [AO3]

This chapter was very fun to write. I listened to SUPERBLOOM by Silent Planet on loop (it's really good and underrated), if you want to get into the mood you can go listen to it too ig

The plan is practically complete now, the fact doing nothing to calm either Ghost or Soap. The Vaqueros who have been monitoring the bar have informed them they found the PMC’s base of operation - a compound deep in the desert surrounding Las Almas.

They will start by spreading around the compound suspected to house the soldiers of the PMC revenant. 4 teams will form a half-circle, the fifth, composed of himself and Soap, opposite to them. Soap will infiltrate to commence the distraction, Ghost acting as a barrier for any stray soldiers trying to escape, pushing everyone towards the other teams.

Keller and Commander Karim will be the closest team, Farah protecting Alex while he surprises the soldiers, funneling them further towards the Vaqueros and Shadows, Price and Gaz lifting in the air to snipe and allow the Captain to attempt to connect to the revenant’s mind through their servants.

If that fails, their orders are to exterminate all hostiles. Soap was initially charged with that, but the Sergeant vehemently refused, stating his powers are too unpredictable for that.

What interested Ghost is that Johnny didn’t say he couldn’t do it. He just doesn’t want to.

They’re to be deployed tomorrow, using the cover of night to get to their positions covertly. 

Ghost rummages around the small kitchen in one of the common rooms, sighing frustratingly when he goes through the same drawer for the fourth time. Where the fuck does Rudy keep all the bloody teabags?!

Gentle footsteps catch his attention, and he instantly turns to watch the door open. Soap stumbles inside, rubbing tiredly at his eyes, clearly not clocking in the other person in the room.

Johnny crashes into a couch, exhaling loudly and leaning his head back on the headrest. Ghost watches him for a moment, examining the exhausted scrunch to his shut eyes. He steps silently closer, leaning forward to stare directly down at his Sergeant.

“Bed too comfortable, Johnny?”

Ghost smirks at the Scot startling, eyes now wide open glaring at him, “yer a right menace, ye know that?”

His smile widens, “not my fault you all have zero spatial awareness.”

Soap grumbles something under his breath, and shoots an arm up towards his mask. Ghost barely has time to react before Johnny shifts the mask to cover his eyes, “the fuck are you-”

He hears Soap get up, the old couch screeching in protest, and the Sergeant pounces on him, starting to attempt to tackle him down.

Ghost almost laughs when he actually pins him to the back of the couch, his petty technique shifting the fight to his favor.

“What’s that about ‘spatial awareness’, LT?” Johnny breathes in his ear.

He moves slightly in Soap’s hold, “ah, I’m at a disadvantage here, Sergeant. It’s barely fair.”

The arms around him tighten as Soap leans in to whisper, “thought yer good enough to win without sight.”

Ghost turns his head to where he assumes Johnny’s is, “it’s not the blindness that got me. Didn’t have my nightly tea.” he states innocently.

Soap pushes off him with a groan, “awa an’ bile yer heid, fuckin’ Brits…”

Ghost chuckles as he rights the mask, finally seeing Johnny frown at him with (mock) disgust. He can’t help provoke him further, “any chance you know where Rudy hides his stash?”

Soap smiles sarcastically, “aye, I blew it all teh high hell, LT”

Ghost gasps, growling, “you didn’t” 

“Aye, smelled quite nice, burnt to a crisp.”

“I’ll give you ten seconds to run, Sergeant.” Ghost starts stalking closer to Johnny, who continues to smirk confidently at him.

“How generous of ye.” Ghost’s face hurts from smiling.

He stops in front of Johnny, reaching zero in his head, and swiftly crouching to grab Soap by the torso, slinging him over the shoulder while the man thumps at his back, “Oi! Put me down, ye feckin’ brute!”

Ghost hums, “I warned you, Johnny. It’s only fair, no?”

He drops Johnny on the couch, quickly wrapping his limbs around him to cage the Scot.

Johnny wiggles for a few seconds, until the fight in him runs out, and he settles against Ghost’s chest with a small sigh. Ghost tilts his head to look at Soap’s face, the smile slowly melting off his lips.

Johnny lifts a hand to caress the forearm pinning his chest, a mellow and quiet air hanging around him. “I can’t stop having… nightmares.” he starts unprompted, his voice weaker than usual. “Every night, I kill someone. I wake up and remember I didn’t, but it doesn’t change the fact I could.” his eyes look up at his, “I could kill you tomorrow, Simon.”

Simon relaxes his hold on Johnny into something more comfortable, pressing him closer to his heart, “I told you, Johnny. I’m strong. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Johnny twists to face him more properly, “promise me if yer in danger, don’t hesitate to use Limbo. Even if I’ll be in range, even if it kills me.”

His arms flex involuntarily, as if Johnny will fall apart otherwise, perish under his fingertips. He watches fire reflect in blue eyes, sun in grey skies. He wants to be angry at him, for asking something so selfish.

Johnny may follow him anywhere, but Simon will do anything Johnny asks of him. In that way, perhaps they’re both doomed.

Simon sighs, lowering his head to rest on Johnny’s shoulder, murmuring in defeat, “...I promise.”

Johnny pushes further into him, a gentle fire stroking his cheek in gratitude. Something breaks deep inside him, and Simon lays them down on the small couch, hugging Johnny tightly, letting warmth cradle him.

He didn’t mean to fall asleep, but the crackling flames and soft snores became a lullaby for his aching heart, and he drifts off to eternal darkness.

Ghost watches the last team drop off, their Humvee now driving towards the fifth team’s position. Soap has a serious expression, hands grasping tightly at his own tac vest with a white-knuckled grip.

They jump off, the driver shifting gear immediately to return to Los Vaqueros base. Soap comes closer to fist bump Ghost’s shoulder, “I’ll see you on the other side, LT. Don’t miss me too much.” Johnny turns away with a forced smile, Ghost forlornly gazing at his descending figure.

“First team in position.” Commander Karim radios in. The rest of the teams give their own affirmative, and Johnny finishes with, “fifth team in position, awaiting green-light.”

“Good copy, Soap.” Price responds, “you’re authorized for explosion creation.”

Ghost observes the foreboding walls of the compound stand silent for a minute, before brilliant fire erupts and takes them down. The explosions ramp up, the blaze so hot, he feels it several hundred feet away.

He scans the horizon for soldiers, finding none attempting to save themselves from the blasts. 

Did they assume wrong, that the revenant PMC would try to fight back? Ghost grabs his comms, “Sergeant, have you seen any hostiles on your end?”

Soap replies a few seconds later, a little out of breath, “negative. Did you?”

“No, keep burning it down-”

Someone, several hands, tackle Ghost from behind. He growls in surprise, twisting his body to shoot behind him blindly. A body falls to the ground. Three others take its place, grasping at his arms, cold limbs pushing his face to the sand.

Soap shouts in his comms, “Ghost?! Ghost, what the fuck is going on?!”

His comms are still on, he realizes with a flash, “Johnny, get out of there! We’ve been compromised!” he snarls desperately.

“Where are you, I’ll- oh fuck.” Ghost’s rib cage is aching, pressure building inside and out.

“Ghost, there are ballistic missiles here. They’re locking onto something.” 

Fuck, FUCK! Ghost fruitlessly tries to shake off his attackers.

Price’s voice rumbles through the radio, “Soap, Ghost! Get yourself out of there, NOW! The revenant, he’s-!”

One of the soldiers crushes the radio, Ghost gasping at the pain shooting down his left shoulder.

“Ah, Captain Price… figures he’ll be the first to find out. Always was such a pain in the ass.”

Ghost stills, craning his neck to lock eyes with the blank faces of the soldiers. The voice echoes from all of them, surrounding him.

The PMC revenant… he clenches his teeth.

One of the soldiers crouches down, taking hold of his jaw, Ghost unsuccessfully trying to shake him off.

“I told you, you will regret not giving the Sergeant to me.”

Cold ice pours down his veins, and he stills.

It can’t be…

“Graves…” Ghost gasps.

Laughter erupts around him, voices overlapping and distorting, “you really thought I’m a fuckin’ non-rev, Simon?” Graves spits his name like a snake’s venom, “I tried to play nice, I really did. But you…”

The faceless soldier tightens his grip on Ghost, “you decided to fuck it all up. I hope you were happy with your ‘Johnny’, because it’s time we have a little fun.” 

Graves hums, “I’ve always wondered just how strong Soap is… after the carnage he left in Verdansk” the American whistles in reverence, “only you would be able to match something like that, wiping a quarter city in a flash.”

“Ghost! The soldiers activated the missiles, I have to detonate them before the launch, please just fuckin’ answer me!” a desperate voice calls behind him through comms.

Graves clicks his tongue, “well, Ghost? Wouldn’t wanna leave your boyfriend hanging, do we?” he holds a radio in front of Ghost’s face, “you can either let the missiles launch and erase Las Almas off the map, or you can die. Your choice, really.”

Arctic ice numbs his insides. The missiles hit Las Almas, they kill everyone… including their entire team. 

The choice is obvious. And those are the hardest ones to make.

“Johnny…” Ghost rasps at the radio.

“Simon, thank the fuckin’ Reapers-!”

Ghost closes his eyes, indulging in Johnny’s voice for just a little longer, “detonate them.”

A shaky inhale passes through the comms, “are ye far enough?”

Ghost’s neck bows, “I remember the promise.”

Static fills the air for a moment, his breaths loud in his ears. Ghost bites on his tongue just to feel something other than freezing pain.

“It was my choice, Simon. Don’t feel bad about it later, alright?”

Ghost’s voice trembles when he whispers, “I hate you...” 

Johnny laughs for him one last time, the sound bringing tears to his eyes, “I knew you’ve taken a shine to me, LT. I’ll see you on the other side.”

He doesn’t want it to end, not yet, not when he just started to feel like he could have this, not like this, not with those words as the last he ever hears “Johnny, I-”

Graves takes away the radio, “now isn’t that heart-warming? You even got your goodbyes in.” Graves sighs, “it’s an honor to see the Ghost die a second and final time. I’ll make sure they’ll know just how you died, Simon Riley. Alone.”

His voice fades away, only heartbeat and rushing blood passes through his ears.

A deafening sound crackles through the air, Ghost’s eyelids glow reds, oranges, yellow, as the wall of inferno comes closer and closer.

For a moment, he can’t feel the cold anymore. He considers letting go, leaving the world by Johnny’s hand, as he was destined.

For a moment, he considers breaking Johnny’s trust, sacrificing himself to let the other live. He imagines how he would react, how he would hate Simon for the rest of his life. He wants to smile. At least he would be alive to despise him.

He imagines, only for a moment.

Ghost opens his eyes.

Limbo envelopes the world, the dark, cold realm curling around him like death’s last hug. He screams, pushing the soldiers off, leaving them to be consumed by his victims.

Molten light leaks from Ghost’s eyes, pain like no other spreading through him. He doesn’t want to look ahead, to see where the residents run towards, to watch as Johnny is being ripped apart by his own murdered souls.

A strange creature moves in Ghost’s peripheral. He shakily lifts his gaze from the empty ground. A… moth?

A burning moth, wings fluttering and shedding embers of vibrant colors, circling his protective light.

Ghost tilts his head, the creature gentle and soft as it lands on his shoulder, warming him like a small ray of sunlight.

It reminds him of…

Someone screams. Not the gurgled wails of Limbo, a clear, anguished voice.

Ghost finally looks at Johnny.

He stands tall, fire covering his arms, trailing up his shoulders, lighting his back with white flames. Leaving a halo behind him. A single holy being in the void.

 Dark hands grasp at his fire, try to steal it for themselves.

Johnny takes a hand, shouting. 

He explodes the arm. Everything that touches his Sergeant, ignites in beautiful colors, lighting up Limbo in a way Ghost hadn't thought possible. Everywhere he steps, leaves marks of warm light. Everywhere he looks, moths flap softly and spread little sparks.

Johnny’s eyes are glowing, rapidly moving from shape to shape, decimating everything in his path.

Light traces its way down Ghost’s mask.

Johnny is breathtaking.

Their eyes meet, beyond the vast fields of the void.

“SIMON! I CAN’T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER-” One hand leaves a path of shadow on Johnny’s arm, “MAKE IT STOP! SIMON, MAKE IT STOP-!!!”

Simon’s breath restores, he inhales sharply and sends his arms forward, palms taking hold of the imaginary reins on Limbo.

One heartbeat passes.

“ARGHHH-!”

Simon pulls back his arms, yelling as he feels tendons snapping. Limbo swirls, fights back against him, tries to sink its claws back into Johnny.

He pulls harder.

Simon is flung back several feet as the void rushes back into him. His head hits the ground and then-

Darkness.

[that-student-that-has-homework]

You WILL Have my Herbs 05

Diluc / Reader

Previous Chapters: Chp 1 | Chp 2 | Chp 3 | Chp 4 | Chp 5 | Chp 6

Read the Full Story on Ao3 | Tumblr MasterList Here (Maybe even leave me a comment please? :3< )

Summary: Listen you just wanted to pick some plants, do some experiments, find some cures, and report back to your mentor. Unfortunately a handsome vigilante puts you in his debt and now you have to fight him to let you make it up to him.

Chapter 5: Burgeoning Superbloom

If you’d been difficult to track before, you were nigh impossible to track now. Not that Diluc had been trying really, at least not nearly as much as he had the previous time. Though sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder if there was something divine preventing him from locating you.

Months passed. Months. Not a word of a sighting, not another informative complaint from Kaeya…nothing. He was almost inclined to believe you’d left, if not for the sporadic letters to Adelinde.

Those letters were the only semblance of a lead out there. 

What was truly baffling was how following the trail of the letters led him to all sorts of places. For example, one such letter was sent not too far from a Fatui camp. The courier, who was really an inexperienced adventurer, that delivered the letter had been so proud of himself, bragging about how he’d dodged a Fatui camp. Maybe even hinting that he’d like for Adelinde to tip him. 

Whether it was to the adventurer’s fortune or misfortune, Diluc just so happened to be there for that specific delivery.

A few casual questions and the shrewd warrior knew that not only had you paid in full (though you’d bargained to get a reasonable price-much to his surprise), you’d even gifted the adventurer a handy salve as a tip. He’d also figured out where you’d been when you sent the letter and therefore the location of the Fatui camp.

Yes, leave it to you to unintentionally find yourself in a dangerous location. He ought to make sure you never meet Bennett, your disastrous luck together would be of a whole other magnitude.

Either way, the vigilante had vermin to exterminate. It was rather convenient for him that you’d unearthed this poison plaguing Mondstadt. You seemed to have a knack for that: locating problems. Once he eradicated the filth from the land he’d be sure to check on you. 

While that rookie adventurer managed to avoid the Fatui, it seems you had not. While decimating their forces the Proud Citizen of Mondstadt discovered a bar of that unique soap of yours. So that’s why the Fatui scum hadn’t smelled as though they wallowed in their own filth as they usually did…and the laundry that seemed to be hung to dry.

There were a number of scenarios as to how the scum could have obtained the soap. 

The first one that came to mind had to be that they’d seen you nearby and had gone to attack, and you’d given them a soap bar in exchange for them leaving you alone, then probably ran away when they continued to plunder you regardless. Though knowing you, maybe you’d thought they were humans and had sought out their camp yourself looking for company and ended up at the dangerous end of a nozzle. Which makes that two scenarios. The third scenario…truthfully most of the scenarios he imagined generally resulted in your safety being jeopardized. You were an adept healer but not much of a fighter after all. He could only hope you were a decent runner.

Anyway.

The good news was that he hadn’t seen your pack nor any other traces of you save for that soap. He did make sure to ask one of the Fatui recruits there though. 

Just to be safe.

“Where’d you get this soap?” The former knight had a heel to the fool’s chest and a large blade to the side of his neck.

“Soap? You- you want to know about the soap?” The panicked soldier asked bewildered.

To be fair it was a strange inquiry given the circumstances.

The redhead shifted more of his weight to his foot that was on the scum, “yes, I’m asking you about the bar of soap with mint in it.”

“We-we bought it off a lady,” he gasped out and Diluc eased up a little. After all, what was the point of an interrogation when the other person couldn’t talk?

Now, was this lady he mentioned a merchant, or was this you ? He would not risk making assumptions on the matter.

“What did she look like?”

“I don’t remember. Friendly, kinda weird, but she didn’t look like she was from Mondstadt.”

Not good enough. Tch.

“How much did the soap cost?”

“If you want the soap you can have it! Just get off me!” The rat squirmed beneath him.

Hah! Did he really think he was in a position to be making demands? The audacity of this filth.

“I don’t want the soap,” Diluc growled, “I’m asking about the price of the soap.”

“60 mora a piece!”

An abysmally low price. It was you, no doubt.

“What happened to this lady after you ‘ bought ’ the soap from her?”

“I don’t know! We just bought the soap and left!” The pathetic scum rambled. “We didn’t do her any harm if that’s what you’re insinuating!”

Ah, it seems he picked the right recruit to interrogate after all. An anxious blabbermouth. Perfect. Bad for the Fatui, very convenient for him, he must be a new recruit. This would be easier than he originally thought.

“Why should I believe you?” The redhead shifted some weight back to the foot holding the captured agent down.

“I’ll take you to her camp! You’ll see she’s just fine!”

“Her camp? You assaulted her in her camp?” 

“ No .” Good, he was getting frustrated. “She was cooking up some weird stuff and we followed the scent. It smells amazing for your information. And we found this weird lady mixing some weird stuff like she was a witch. She sold us some soap, and we left.”

“She didn’t offer to give it to you for free?” Did you perhaps know not to be kind to the scum of Teyvat?

“How did you know ?” The Fatui officer was in complete shock.

He knew it. Your generosity would kill you one day. He was sure.

“We, the proud followers of Her Majesty the Tsaritsa, would never take something that was clearly labored over for free!” The pathetic little vermin spat at him indignantly. “Don’t look down on us, we’ve got more dignity and honor than all seven nations combined!”

Diluc scoffed, raising a brow at him. Ah yes, how convincing coming from a Fatui operative. The nerve.

“Show me to her campsite,” the vigilante removed his foot, and the Fatuus took in a sharp gasp of air - how dramatic. 

“Tch, fine ,” he scoffed.

Diluc kept his sword poised in case the pathetic agent tried anything funny, the former knight waited for the Fatuus to get up. Though the moment he was up, the redhead grabbed him by the back of his neck, he didn’t have time for leniency.

“Is this really necessary?” The agent complained.

“Start walking.”

Thus began the short trek to what would hopefully be your campsite. While it was very convenient that the scum seemed to be seriously leading him towards your campsite, it was also…well…the Fatui agent clearly didn’t trust him, and he could easily pose a threat to your safety, yet this “proud follower of Her Majesty the Tsaritsa,” who had “more dignity and honor- ” hah! “-than all seven nations combined,” still chose to lead him to you . Yes, lead a man with a claymore and a pyro vision, that had decimated the whole camp of trained Fatui officers, to a medical researcher who was clearly untrained in combat, and would likely be helpless to defend herself.

For as far as the Fatui scum knew, you were helpless. That was the initial impression you gave off after all. Though, he found he was of another opinion following your time together in that domain.

You reinforced his opinion when he arrived at where the Fatui claimed to be your campsite.You were not there. Though to the scum’s credit it had clearly been camped in as there were remnants of a campfire. However…

“ When did you say you bought this soap from her?” Diluc readjusted his grip on his captive’s neck.

“When?” He responded instinctually, quickly spewing out responses when he was reminded of the grip on his neck. “M-maybe two? No three…three to five days ago?”

As he’d suspected: you’d likely abandoned this camp shortly after the Fatui had found you. Well done.

Now, it was time to clean up the last of the scum.

-_-

As was the case last time, the tycoon didn’t find you until you came to him. Indirectly.

“Well well, look who we have here,” a familiar voice that usually preceded a headache spoke from not too far away, “say, it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen you last. What could you have possibly been up to?”

Diluc afforded the knight a quick glance, only to be pleasantly surprised to find you there. He took a few quick steps to allow himself to observe this exchange.

Your shoulders dropped the tension they’d previously held in favor of drooping in an indecorous manner, meaning you’d likely let out a sigh. He understood your position, truly, he’d also rather avoid Kaeya when he could.

Hence his observing the two of you from this advantageous distance.

You then huffed a sardonic little laugh despite your initial reaction and turned to face the captain more fully with a smile though. He noticed you tighten your hold on the hefty sized fabric knapsack you were hugging. He imagined Kaeya had his usual smile taunting you. That, or an expression that revealed his malicious glee that his current source of entertainment had returned.

“Sir Kaeya,” nerves riddled your smile, “how have you been?”

“Absolutely awful!” He never missed the opportunity for dramatics did he? “I recently had the worst stomach pain and my favorite apothecary was nowhere to be found!”

You huffed a little, smile still in place and knowing, “you drank excessively on a somewhat empty stomach didn’t you?”

“Oh?” He could imagine the grin on Kaeya’s face clearly. “How did you know?”

“You weren’t subtle about your alcoholism,” you shrugged, “call it an educated guess.”

The alcoholic in question let out an actual laugh and Diluc found himself sharing in the amusement. 

“Won’t you spare me a moment?” The captain gestured with his hand in a sweeping manner while placing the other on your back. 

You flinched and ducked away from his hold on, what seemed to be, pure instinct. Were you perhaps uncomfortable with such contact? 

“Please refrain from touching me,” ah, you really were uncomfortable with the contact.

Now that he considered it, you seemed to try your best to avoid having him help you when you’d injured your leg. He’d thought your uncomfortable expression at the time had been due to the pain and what you’d said about avoiding being indebted to him, but, it seemed that you didn’t like the contact either.

“Very well,” the silver-tongued menace raised his hands in a weak surrender and moved to allow for a respectable distance between the two of you.

Kaeya…respecting boundaries? Well this was new.

Then again this could just be a way of loosening your tongue.

The knight began leading you on a walk through the city. The curious redhead followed the two of you, making sure to remain far enough to be undetected, but close enough to eavesdrop. After all, there was no doubt what the everso slippery man was about to discuss. It would be to his benefit to listen to this discussion too. 

Kaeya would get his answers, most definitely. Aside from your nature, the knight was also exceptional at drawing intel out of people. Much to Diluc’s ire.

“It’s been so long, I was beginning to wonder if I’d never see you again,” he broke the silence that had settled between you as you walked, “I ran out of that soap you gave me,” he pouted slightly, “a shame really, it worked very well with my skin, and had such a lovely fragrance.”

“I made a new batch! I infused them with cecilias this time!” You perked up, ever so eager to talk about your herbs. “Or would you prefer the same old soap?”

“Oh cecilias? Did you head to Starsnatch Cliff then?” He raised a brow at you as he led you. “Is that where you’ve been?”

“Yes, I went there to collect new specimens for my research,” you nodded, your smile polite.

Small talk. Truly such a tedious thing. Though he wasn’t so closed-minded that he didn’t see what Kaeya was up to. So far the conversation felt like he was asking after an old friend. It was rather pleasant, disarmingly so. Diluc would only need to suffer through this pointless small talk until the knight deemed you were unguarded enough. That’s when he would strike with the more sensitive questions.

“How are you liking your time in Mondstadt?” He inquired.

“It’s been nice,” you answered instinctually, “I’ve been learning a lot.”

“Oh? Would you care to share?”

“Windwheel Asters are excellent against fevers! They also help you obtain necessary minerals that your body requires, it turns out,” you spoke excitedly.

“I see,” Kaeya hummed, “so you’ve been out studying windwheel asters and cecilias then?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before that I’m here to study local herbal remedies,” your tone was light.

The knight nodded with a smile, “indeed you did.”

Then, “well while you’ve been out there curing fevers with windwheel asters,” he began, “I’ve been here holding on to a will someone left behind.”

There was a notable pause, as though - perhaps you were considering your words? “The person didn’t think to leave their name on their last will and testament?”

Again the knight chuckled, “oh they did, not to worry I know whose will it is.”

You nodded slowly at that, “well then, I suppose that’s good. Now you can make sure it finds its owner safely.”

“I’ve also been hanging on to some odd letters from the same person,” ah! Finally .

“You-uh-you didn’t go through this person’s private letters, did you?” You took a judgemental and concerned tone, likely to conceal your panic. “That’s an invasion of privacy.”

“My, so quick to accuse me of wrongdoing,” he could imagine the expression on the captain’s face. It was positively punchable. “Do you think so little of me?”

“I’ll take every opportunity to be suspicious of you I get,” your tone flattened, “see how much you like it.”

“My my, have I really antagonized you so much?” Kaeya’s tone was sickeningly saccharine, and Diluc liked grape juice of all things. “And here I thought we were good friends.”

Hah! Though from what Diluc could see of your face, you seemed to take that lie to heart.

“If we’re good friends why are you always suspicious of me?”

“You’re really insistent,” he leaned down into your space and you moved away, “ that’s rather suspicious my dear little apothecary. What secrets are you hiding?”

“W-well…if I tell you, they…they wouldn’t be secrets anymore now would they?”

The knight laughed, and pulled himself back to his full height. From what the redhead could see, your expression only soured at this reaction. Unfortunately your quick-wittedness was only furthering Kaeya’s desire to toy with you. 

“What a classic response!” He said as he calmed down. “If you want to be free of suspicion why not be more cooperative?”

“I am very cooperative, thank you very much!” You huffed. 

“Then you wouldn’t mind answering a few questions about those letters I mentioned earlier.”

“What letters?” You snapped back at your interrogator clearly still agitated by his prior suspicion.

“Why these letters I found outside that domain near Springvale,” Kaeya resumed walking around and you followed, readjusting your knapsack again.

It took you a moment to respond, “Ah yes, the private letters you’d read - you said you’d read, by invading the privacy of the writer.”

You paused. That sounded long winded.

“I mean the letters- no- well it was an invasion of privacy all the same!”

Another chuckle from Kaeya. Another scowl from you.

“You’re right,” the cryo user hummed, laying his trap, “under normal circumstances I’d be inclined to agree.”

“Under normal circumstances?” And you walked straight into it.

“Yes, had I found these letters in a more common location, then, hmmm,” he drawled off.

You hugged your knapsack a bit tighter, as though seeking comfort from it, while breathing in slowly-it seems you’d figured out what he was talking about, “give-given how Mondstadt had been under attack, I’d assume you’d find all misplaced correspondences suspicious.”

“ Oh . Most impressive Miss Apothecary,” Kaeya was having too much fun at your expense, “I do ,” he paused no doubt reveling in your anticipation, “so I’m sure you can imagine just how suspicious ‘ misplaced correspondences ’ outside an enemy domain would be.”

“Very suspicious, no doubt,” you nodded enthusiastically. 

Diluc noticed you shake out a shiver that had no doubt ran its way through your spine, most likely in response to Kaeya’s expression. He really did wish he could see the knight’s face…and that he would get to the point already.

“It only gets more suspicious from there,” the knight stopped walking in a relatively empty area of the fortified city, “these letters were addressed to a foreign country and were not only written in the native language unique to the country, but with an advanced cipher.”

You stood before the knight silently, yet Kaeya did not continue. You readjusted our grip on your plants. “So, did you manage to figure out the cipher and read the letter?”

To Diluc’s knowledge: no he hadn’t, that’s why he was here, asking you.

“Not yet, unfortunately,” he lamented.

“I see,” you nodded slowly, “I’m-I’m sure trying to decipher it must be a major headache, would you-would you like more mint oil?”

There was a momentary pause, before Kaeya erupted into joyous laughter. Diluc shifted momentarily to get a  better look at the captain’s face, noting the disbelief that tinted his amusement.

In contrast you stood there stiff as a plank, looking, for all of Teyvat, as uncomfortable as an amateur adventurer in Dragonspine. Truly you looked like you’d rather be in a hilichurl camp than here with Kaeya. That in and of itself was amusing, unfortunately for you.

When the blue-haired nuisance calmed down, you smiled at him awkwardly.

“You studied at the Sumeru Akademiya, didn’t you?” He was being really roundabout in his methods today.

“Yes?” You looked as though you were trying to figure out where he was going with this.

He wished the cavalry captain would stop toying with you. Kaeya would have cornered you by now, following the man’s usual pattern. However, with how he’d been laughing at virtually everything you’d been saying, the knight no doubt was finding immense entertainment in watching you dodge his traps as you did. 

Ah. This must be it. 

The real reason why Kaeya was suspicious of you.

Yes, you were much more adept at tricky conversations than he initially imagined. Neither the captain nor he, had yet to glean anything at all. Diluc would have been significantly more disappointed had he not found some amusement in the obnoxiously adept interrogator’s failure in this interrogation.

“You must have learned a thing or two about ciphers, and maybe even about decoding cipher s while there,” He was drawn out of his musings by Kaeya’s suggestion.

“Well, as you can see,” you lifted your knapsack, and your observer wondered if the tremors in your hands were due to exertion- the knapsack looked rather light though, “I’m an apothecary , so…so even if I did learn ‘a thing or two’ about ciphers, it’s obviously not my area of expertise.”

“Always so clever aren’t you?” Diluc found himself looking to where Kaeya usually kept his cryo vision. It seems like he wasn’t as patient nor as amused as Diluc had thought. “I’m sure you could help me figure this cipher out.”

You looked distraught by the suggestion. Your mouth opened as if you were preparing to say something, then closed, you looked around, then pursed as you looked back at the captain.

“But-but…but,” you stuttered, “do I have to?”

Diluc couldn’t help the smile that pulled at his lips. You sounded like, of all things, that was the last thing you’d want to do. It likely was.

“Now now,” the captain spoke as though placating a petulant child, “weren’t you the one that offered to help with anything at all?”

“I did?” Your face fell. “I did. I’d meant-” you paused, “yes I did say that didn’t I?”

“Indeed you did,” Diluc could hear just how pleased with himself Kaeya was at cornering you, “now then, if you’d be so kind,” he gestured with a sweep of his arm.

Hmm. Oh, it seems he meant to take you back to the Knights of Favonius Headquarters. That would be less than ideal.

Perhaps he ought to intervene?

“Right now?” You startled.

“No time like the present,” he could hear the glee in your interrogator’s tone at his victory.

“W-wait-but!” You spluttered desperately. “You said this would only take a moment! I have herbs to sort through! And tests to attend to and research to submit! This conversation wasn’t supposed to take so long!”

“So you don’t want to help me?”

“Sir Kaeya, you wanted to borrow a moment -“

“Why that’s a figure of speech,” his tone was so patronizing, Diluc felt his own ire rise,” I thought you knew.”

“Yes a figure of speech implying a short amount of time,” you returned without a moment to think.

“I’m sure this cipher will be easy for someone as clever as you,” Kaeya moved in and you backed away.

“Ciphers are so incredibly tedious and time-”

“I’m confident this won’t take that much time-”

“Please understand ciphers are not so easy-”

“Given you penned these letters.”

That halted your arguments regarding the nature of ciphers. You stared at the knight for a long moment, your mouth slightly ajar. He’d finally managed to corner you. You snapped your mouth shut, before taking a deep breath, your shoulders sagging, your grip on your belongings momentarily loosening. When the sack started slipping you were quick to readjust your grip on the thing. The ex-knight noticed that you fumbled with the large thing a bit more than he would have expected you to. When you finally had them in a relatively comfortable grip, you met the cryo user’s gaze, your hold tightening on them again.

It seems you understood what would follow this point.

“Ah, so this does ring a bell… hmm ?”

You remained silent; and the real interrogation began.

“What did you write about in your letters that would require you to use a cipher?”

“Personal matters,” you answered after a momentary pause.

“Now now that couldn’t possibly be the whole story.”

“It is,” You took a moment to breathe - likely trying to figure out what your response would be, “those letters contain personal matters I wished to share with my family.”

“That so?”

“Yes.”

Kaeya paused to lean back and fold his arms across his chest, most likely staring you down, and give you time to stew in your anticipation, “rather strange that you thought to include a will in the package we found.”

“Yes well,” you averted your gaze for a moment, “I would like that will back.”

“All in good time,” he continued to press on, “now, what could be so personal you’d have to use a cipher?”

You exhaled, looking mildly pained, “something too personal to share with you.” 

The pyro user felt his eyes widen minutely.

“My, this is you being cooperative ?” However, Kaeya was closing in on you despite all your efforts.

Your lips pressed into a wobbly frown. From what the vigilante could see, you were looking at the knight before you as though beseeching him to leave you be, “they’re personal m-matters I don’t feel comfortable disclosing,” you reiterated, expression falling into something poignant.

“That sounds like a very convenient excuse to hide that you were sending out sensitive information,” he observed the knight move closer towards you.

“Only sensitive information concerning my own state, as you know, I know very little about Mondstadt’s internal affairs,” you had a weak smile on your face, with one foot already positioned behind you in case you needed to recreate the space between you.

“If it’s only personal matters, why use a cipher?” Kaeya pressed.

You paused, taking a breath while not looking at the captain. However when you did, “so that people like you can’t read them,” your expression was as he remembered it when you were together in the domain, firm, resolute, “and that the information only reaches those it’s meant for.”

“People like me ?” It’s been a while since he’s heard him sound affronted like that.

“Pray tell Sir Kaeya, are you so bored that-that you find the need to interrogate medical researchers about documents they wish to share with their fam-families?” It seems your patience had all been whittled away.

The winery owner found himself mildly impressed. You’d figured Kaeya out in the middle of all that was happening. Or were you simply-

“Deflecting now are you?” The trembling he’d noticed in your arms earlier returned, or perhaps it had never left - however it was more noticeable now. Your senses were attuning to the rising threat the captain posed to you. “Why would an innocent person feel the need to deflect?”

“You make a good point,” ah were you ceding this argument, “however you also deflected my own question.”

Not bad Miss Apothecary. Huh. He’d never imagined you’d respond in such a manner.

“What were your letters doing outside that domain?”

You hugged the knapsack to reduce your tremors at that question. You took a deep, if staggered, breath and did your best to meet the biting look that the cryo user was no doubt giving you. “I’ve been visiting battlegrounds in the aftermath to produce salves for the knights and-”

“Yes, but the knights hadn’t entered the domain by then.”

“They hadn’t?” That was rather impressive acting. Though with the way your face was scrunching up, had you really forgotten? 

You looked back at the knight. “Oh they really hadn’t had they?” You asked in that familiar mildly-stunned, rather sheepish tone. You’d really forgotten then.

“You went into the domain before the knights did,” Kaeya pressed, “you wanted to deliver information that the knights would be coming.”

“What? No. Why would I-”

“Oh? Wasn’t it fun playing savior? I’m sure everyone doted on you, calling you a generous hero, giving you free food and lodging. Why not keep the assault going then?”

Your eyes widened in disbelief, your lips pursed and your trembling worsened. Should he perhaps intervene? Kaeya’s questioning was starting to get out of hand. He knew that the cryo menace didn’t actually believe you to be a threat.

Though to his knowledge he’s done worse before.

“Every time I’ve had the horror of encountering an Abyss Mage, it’s tried to kill me,” your voice cracked, “why would I go to talk to them? No - how would I get out alive if I tried?”

“You’re the only one who’s reported Abyss Mage attacks to your person, who's to say that wasn’t a cover?”

“Who’s to…?” You sneered momentarily before pursing your lips. “Sister Barbara who healed my leg months ago. If she remembers, she can attest to the damage I’ve sustained.”

“You could have given yourself that injury.”

No. Not willingly at least. You had a hand in getting injured as you did, but from what he’d seen of that injury and you, you didn’t have it in you to injure yourself like that, not willingly at least. Kaeya hadn’t known about that injury though it seems.

“You try-” you started before seeming to stop yourself, “how,” you inhaled sharply, “how have you arrived at this conclusion?”

You were trying not to flinch but a tremor clearly went through your body. Had he a better vantage point he’d be able to better make out Kaeya’s expressions. 

“You didn’t know what an Abyss Mage was? And you tried to negotiate with it? Not to mention your interest in the Dark Knight Hero that conveniently preceded a report of an onslaught on Mondstadt?” This man . “You don’t need to be a highly educated scholar to put all the pieces together.”

Your mouth opened slightly. Your knapsack rose slowly before falling slowly. Time and time again as though you were working to keep your breathing under control.

“If you trust me so little, why use my remedies then? My soap, my mint oil, my …?” He could barely hear you as your voice struggled to make it out of your throat. "The attacks have stopped, haven’t they?”

Your interrogator paused for a moment. Diluc cursed his inability to see the blue-haired menace’s face. His expression would reveal whether he was pausing to stress you out, or because he’d really not anticipated that response from you.

“Funny how the attacks stopped when you disappeared,” he hummed, “quite an interesting coincidence wouldn’t you say?”

Your expression laid bare your indignation and thoughts. There was a riddling of panic coming in now, however your expression had originally screamed: is this man being serious right now?

You let out a huff, “I didn’t leave until after the attacks ended,” your mouth pulled into a scathing smile, “I was attending to the citizens of Springvale, making sure they were all healed,” your eyes narrowed as your smile grew, “I was even in the care of a kind lady by the name of Mrs. Suzanne there, if you wish to follow up.”

Now was not the time to be challenging Kaeya. He would take this and wield it against you.

“Goodness you’ve really given this alibi of yours some thought,” ah he was using that tone that inspired people to violence, “if you’re as innocent as you claim, then why not explain your letters and involvement in the domain to me? Why send me all the way to Springvale instead?”

You hugged your knapsack tighter. To Diluc’s knowledge you’d only entered the domain pursuing him. You’d followed him around the domain much like a duckling would its mother and had been so relieved to see him that it turned into nervous excitement as you proclaimed you’d brought food and water proudly and a little loudly for someone in enemy territory. Diluc would not deny that the water had saved him.

Oh.

He would be intervening now. He couldn’t allow this to go on. Taking care not to be seen just yet he began moving towards you.

“So that I may have the time to sort through my herbs in peace while in the city,” you responded unthinkingly.

Hah! The pyro user halted. Most amusing.

Not to Kaeya though.

“Excuses, excuses,” Kaeya twirled an intricate crystal of cryo he’d produced between his fingers, “but never a straight answer.”

Diluc resumed his careful approach, and found himself halted by your voice yet again, “well you seldom ever give me a straight answer either! And at the time you came to me wanting help with a headache!”

The cryo user chose that moment to drop the icicle he’d been toying with to the ground. You jumped away with a yelp as it expanded on the ground.

The captain followed you with an amused, “Again, if you were truly as innocent as you claim to be, you wouldn’t be deflecting like this, now would you?”

You looked up from the icy ground to the Kaeya who had clearly established himself as a threat to you. Yet…

“My letters are a private matter, and you insist on perceiving me as malicious,” you stuttered out, hugging your herbs to your chest protectively, “and as for the domain, my involvement was related to providing remedies to counter its effects.”

You threw a glance to your side, before, “I’m sorry but I have no more time to spare you for the day. You’ve used up your moment and then some, good day,” you spoke quickly before making a quick escape out into the public eye again.

So much for intervening on your behalf. Seems you’d managed to escape all by yourself. 

You’d been pushed to your limits though, if the way your lips quivered or the way your knapsack seemed to vibrate in your hold indicated anything. It would be irresponsible to remain passive in this situation.

Hence Diluc abandoned his stealth in favor of making his presence known to the Cavalry Captain that would have pursued you without a doubt. Call it a deterrent of sorts. He deliberately strolled by the relatively secluded alley you were just in while throwing your interrogator a little glance. Their eyes met for a moment Kaeya’s lips were curling upwards with a little huff.

But he didn’t look remotely surprised to see him. Hmph.

He’d have to make sure Charles worked the bar tonight. If that smile meant anything, the man would be coming by to complain about his eavesdropping. Not to mention, with how poorly his investigation went, he’d likely want to drink. This was perhaps the first time Diluc had the pleasure of witnessing the highly capable captain return with so little success in an interrogation. Well played Miss Apothecary.

Of course those were matters he’d have to deal with later. What was more important was that you didn’t get yourself into trouble following Kaeya’s attempts to amuse himself. After all, of the handful of times you’d met with each other, perhaps one or two of the times hadn’t involved Abyss Mages. 

Thankfully pursuing you posed little challenge. Between what he imagined was a stormy mental state, the lack of heavy crowds, and his superior stealth, he’d managed to follow you outside the gates of Mondstadt undetected. He was entreated to the sight of you failing on multiple occasions to place your precious herb knapsack into your pocket dimension, then attempt and fail to climb up a tree multiple times and fail, before finally, you looked around wildly and ran towards the base of the bridge. He was mildly concerned you’d roll your way into the lake when you’d tripped over yourself in your hurry, but you managed to stop yourself in time and didn’t, and you finally made it to the little archway.

It seemed like you wouldn’t be doing anything rash in your upset state. He could return to his usual duties, if he so desired, yet…who knew when he’d be able to see you again. Cruel as it may seem, he needed to get answers from you before you disappeared again.

So, after confirming no one was following him , Diluc made his way towards your hiding place, taking great care to approach you as silently as possible. As he neared the base of the bridge, he could hear muffled sniffling alongside the flow of water.

Shuffling ever closer to the open arch, he heard a choked sob followed by more sniffling and shuddered breathing. Could you possibly…? He peered over the side of the arch, and there you were, biting down on your hand to keep yourself as quiet as possible while tears poured down your cheeks. Your body, now unsuppressed,  was shivering violently. In your other hand you held a handkerchief, which he noticed you were using to wipe your nose as he moved back to conceal himself fully so as to not be caught.

..and to provide you with some privacy.

Diluc pinched the bridge of his nose. It would be inhumane to question you while you were in such a state. That damned Kaeya. He poked his head to check on you again, seeing you hug yourself while rocking back and forth while attempting to get your breathing under control, all the while suppressing your sobs.

No, it would be much too cruel to try and ask you anything right now…but it didn’t look like you’d stop crying any time soon either, and he had things to do. He took in a deep breath looking upwards, he could always ask one of his people to stand watch and inform him if you’d left, without invading your privacy any further than he already had.

So he did just that. The ever so busy business man went back to Angel’s Share, found one of his trusted staff, and tasked the fellow with reporting to him if he saw a young female foreigner exit from under the bridge arch before going about his day. And what a day it was, it had started with an interrogation in the late morning after all. The sun was setting by the time he’d wrapped up his most important tasks for the day.

He hadn’t heard from his informant though, so he headed over to the Angel’s Share, only to find he hadn’t returned yet. Lo and behold the man tells him nothing had happened ever since he took his post. At that point Diluc dismissed him in favor of checking on you himself. He approached the archway just as silently as he’d done before…

Only to find you seated right outside the archway, nestled into a crook formed by the meeting of two boulders. With how his form cast a shadow upon your book, you did the first thing any person would do, which is look up, and therefore spot him.

Nothing had happened . He should have asked him to clarify. Then again it wasn’t like his informant would have been able to see you here. Truthfully you weren’t that far from the arch, and he should have proceeded with greater caution.

His eyes met your own, it seemed like yours were still swollen from your crying earlier. Besides that, what was originally a tired, peaceful gaze quickly blew wide with an unhealthy cocktail of alertness, panic, and utter horror.

You had decent reaction time, he rediscovered. As he’d barely opened his mouth to greet you than you’d managed shove the rest of your sunsettia into your mouth; collect a nearby notebook, chuck a knife into it, swipe a handful of handkerchiefs; and bolt away from the rocks while clutching what looked to be a blanket you’d been wrapped up in prior to his arrival.

Of course he also had a good reaction time, so, he was on your heels in an instant. What should he say to dissuade you from running? Or should he just let you tire yourself out and talk to you then?

He’d barely formulated what to say to you when you tripped over your own cover, barely caught your footing and dropped a pen. What was astonishing was how quickly you managed to swipe the thing up and keep going.

But…

“Why are you running from me?” He questioned loud enough for you to hear him.

Amazingly, that worked very well and you halted the moment after his question had registered. Though it was so sudden that Diluc’s own momentum carried him past you. You were decently fast, he’d admit. Turning to face you, he noticed you looked as confused as he was as to why you’d chosen to suddenly bolt from him.

You took a short breath, “I…I’m not sure,” you sounded so incredibly bewildered, “I guess…I don’t think I feel like interacting with people today.”

Your gaze fell to the ground then, hugging your books and the covering draped over your shoulders closer to yourself, much like you had with the knapsack earlier. “Though it was incredibly rude of me to just run from you,” your gaze flickered up to his for a moment, before dropping again immediately, “I’m sorry.”

Yes, well, you weren’t wrong about your response being rude. However, he was aware of your circumstances, and it seems he’d triggered some kind of fight or flight response in you. “No need for apologies,” he shook his head as he took a few steps in your direction, “I wasn’t offended.”

You pursed your lips, your eyes widening slightly, “yes well, it was still rude though, so an apology is due.”

“And you’ve apologized, and I’ve accepted,” Diluc responded, “call it water under the bridge.”

That got a small laugh out of you, you peeked up at him for a moment, “was that a deliberate choice of idiom?”

What? He looked past you towards the bridge you’d been hiding under - ah. “Not particularly, no,” he responded, his tone light.

Your smile faltered, and you righted yourself enough to try and look at him, “well…um…it’s been a while, how’ve you been doing? And Miss Adelinde? And Mr. Elzer? And well…everyone else?”

Oh. That was mildly unexpected. “We’ve been doing well, thank you for asking,” he nodded at you, “and yourself?”

You took another breath, shaking some tension out of your system as you readjusted your blanket as well as the myriad of other things you were holding on to. Actually now that he got a better look at it, that blanket seemed to be more of a cloak. That did make more sense, upon further thought.

“I’ve been well!” You perked up. “I got to do a lot of research so it’s been lovely.”

“So that’s where you’ve been for the last few months?” He followed up.

“Yes,” you nodded gently, “wait you noticed?”

“Well, there has been a notable lack of advertisements for herbal salves, teas, and ointments for a while,” he nodded at you.

“Oh would you like to take me up on that offer then?” You brightened up right then and there. “I have so many new effective treatments that use the native flora of Mondstadt, so even when I’m no longer around you can easily procure and develop these treatments yourself in case you need to!”

Yes, these responses and this attitude right now felt more accurate to what he’d seen of you in the past. The question became: which of the two attitudes he’d witnessed today was more true to your natural being? He was inclined to believe it was what he was witnessing right now, but he’d have to question you himself to find out.

Looking towards the horizon, the astute former captain devised a plan. “It’s getting to be around dinner time,” he turned to look at you, “have you eaten?”

“Oh!” You mimicked his earlier actions, looking towards the horizon. “You’re right! No, no I haven’t.”

“Neither have I,” he’d been rather busy all day so this wasn’t a lie, “would you care to dine with me then?”

You didn’t need to look so surprised. What else would he follow his first question up with? You seemed to consider it, “theoretically would we be dining at Good Hunter then?”

What a curious thing to ask. Ah…yes…he understood, you didn’t want to run into Kaeya again. Well there was always Angel’s Share. “No, we don’t have to dine there if you don’t want to,” you seemed to grimace at that, “I own a tavern, if you recall.”

Your lips thinned, “I’m not very fond of taverns if I’m honest - oh and it’s not that I don’t want to dine at Good Hunter, I just uh…I don’t really uhm…the food’s fantastic there it’s just um...”

“Their seating isn’t ideal when you’d like to avoid interacting with people,” he supplied.

“Yes! That exactly!” You brightened at his understanding, before dimming again, “I apologize if I’m being difficult.”

“Not at all, I invited you to dine with me, making sure things are comfortable for you is the least I can do,” he shook his head.

Truthfully, he could also do without any further interactions with people for the day. Well, he had an idea about that. As a lot of his regulars usually did, you could grab a meal from Good Hunter and then head to the tavern to eat. “Well then the second floor of Angel’s Share is generally quiet, we could get our meals from Good Hunter and eat there.”

“So we’d be dining inside a tavern?” You seemed apprehensive.

“Yes, would there be - is that not to your liking?” He quickly corrected himself, you’d lowered your guard but you were still incredibly weary and he couldn’t have you running again.

“I don’t like the smell of wine,” you admitted, “it makes me dizzy. And I become irritable when dizzy, and I don’t like being either.”

“You don’t drink then?” He probably shouldn’t have been so surprised by that, yet he was.

“Oh no. I hate alcoholic beverages,” you looked rather repulsed, “if they smell that awful I can only imagine how they taste,” you looked sick purely by the thought of it, “and it’s horrible for your health and overall wellbeing.”

A moment of silence passed over the two of you as the winery owner considered his options. You seemed to take that as him being affronted by your comment. “Apologies! I didn’t mean to insult you or your business or uh…you’re being very kind and patient with me and I just-”

“Not to worry,” he cut off your rambling, “I don’t like alcohol either.”

You looked reasonably surprised, he did, after all, own a tavern and a winery to boot. He was also aware of the Dawn Winery’s status as a giant in the wine industry internationally. “I don’t like the way it feels on my tongue,” he decided to share with you, “I prefer grape juice.”

“I like lemonade personally!” You volunteered in return. “Especially when it’s infused with ginger! It tastes good and boosts your immune system too! Two birds - a two birds with one stone kind of deal!”

Seems you were finally relaxing, now onto the next phase “I have tables outside the tavern that aren’t too visible to the public, would that work for you?”

“Sure,” you nodded.

Things went rather smoothly from there. You took a moment to put your things away and adjust your cloak on your person before following him back into the city. Unfortunately the tension he’d worked to diffuse returned. The moment Good Hunter was in view you’d picked up your pace, almost suspiciously so. You’d quickly leaned over the counter, a little bouncy, and asked Sara about something. The cook turned and pointed to the side, explaining that what you were looking for should be just around the corner. At which point you quickly turned to him as he arrived behind you and hurriedly excused yourself for a moment.

The redhead followed you discreetly, realizing that all the hurry was because you wanted to use the restroom. He had found you seated by the river, and you had been there since the morning…it all made sense. It wasn’t long before you rejoined him, looking sheepish and apologetic. That didn’t last long though as you put in your orders…and you proceeded to debate him over who would purchase your meals.

“I don’t mind sharing a meal with you but I’ll pay for my own meal,” you argued, “you’ve already done so much for me and-”

“I’m the one who invited you to dine with me, it only makes sense I would pay for the meal,” why must you make things so difficult?

“Even so,” you seemed to understand he was making a fair point, “I wish you would have informed me ahead of time. I wouldn’t have ordered as much.”

“Well then, it’s a good thing I didn’t.”

“It doesn’t feel right to take advantage of your kindness like this.”

“If you’re concerned about the cost, don’t be.”

“But I ordered more than I should on someone else’s mora!”

“Yes, well, this someone else invited you to dinner,” he stressed, “would you insist on paying me had I invited you to dinner at my home?”

He watched your mouth snap closed, your argument leaving you. He would pursue this line of reasoning then. “You wouldn’t appreciate it if I were to fight you over payment had you invited me, would you?”

“I’d be very upset with you if you did that,” you frowned at him, “especially given how indebted I am to you.”

“Well then, given you feel indebted, why not heed my requests?” This would work well when he questioned you later.

Your inner turmoil was written across your face, as you finally conceded with a: “fine,” while looking both disappointed and nervous.

“Oh! Finally settled on who’s paying then?” Sara called from where she was already preparing the meals.

“Yes,” he responded and she came to collect the amount before returning to her work.

The two of you waited for your orders off to the side and relatively out of sight. It was quiet for a bit, until you suddenly began to ask him if he had any new ailments, or if he needed to restock his inventory of remedies. Then you asked him if he’d be interested in mint oil in case he ever had headaches, he found that he was, and you brightened, saying you’d make sure to get some to him as soon as possible, even going so far as to make a note of it in a small notebook you took out your pocket.

Things were silent between the two of you again after that. While he didn’t mind the quiet, it seemed you did. You’d been doing your utmost to mask your anxiety ever since entering the city walls, however while your face looked mostly calm, the nervous energy needed to go somewhere, thus manifesting itself in tremors in your extremities. He took the liberty of pulling your cloak’s hood up to help conceal your identity. You’d look more suspicious, but maybe you’d calm down.

You’d startled and turned to look at him. He gave you a tired look in return, “you’re shivering.”

You looked away immediately, embarrassment ravaging your features as you held your hands together in an attempt to get them to stop shaking. Had he intervened into that interrogation sooner…maybe you wouldn’t be so distressed.

You’d managed to calm down slightly when you were informed that your meals were ready. Then he was leading you towards the table near the backdoor of the Angel’s Share. You took the hood off once the two of you started eating. Given how you were still nervous, he suspected it was a gesture of respect for his company. Though unnecessary, he appreciated it.

Dinner was a mostly silent affair, save for when you complimented his choice of food, given you’d ordered what he’d recommended to you. Your smile, though riddled with nerves, had a deeply appreciative aspect to it. Perhaps now would be the time to ask you about the letters.

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” you finished cutting off a piece of steak, “but was there something you wished to discuss with me?” 

Another surprise from you. Truly, you were full of surprises today.

“Yes, there was,” he nodded, dabbing a handkerchief to his lips, “what made you think that?”

“Oh,” you clarified, “that you wanted to talk about something?”

He nodded in return.

“Well if my memory is correct, when you came to visit me in Springvale all that time ago you told me,” you paused, placing your utensils down and squinting at nothing in particular, “I think you’d said something along the lines of ‘much to discuss’ or something to talk about at the very least.” 

Your gaze met his for a moment before you began fidgeting with your fingers, “also I’m aware our interactions haven’t been the most amiable, and we aren’t all that well acquainted. I’m also not so arrogant as to think you’d seek me out, out of personal interest either.”

That was…rather astute of you.

He looked at you, who had perhaps only managed to get through half of one steak, continue to fiddle with your fingers, your utensils out of use on the plate they sat on. He wouldn’t let you stew in your apprehension any longer; he would get straight to the point.

“I received information that you left a will and letters written in Sumerian with a cipher outside the domain we cleared,” as expected you startled, your wide eyes met his for a second and your fidgeting stopped entirely, so did your breathing, “what did you write about that required you to use a cipher? And who were you writing to?”

Your fidgeting resumed, and you took a slow breath, as though bracing yourself. “I-I was writing to my family in Sumeru,” you began while looking at him, before looking away again.

Swallowing thickly you continued, “you-you’d saved my life before, and-and when I saw you go into the domain, by yourself, I-I,” you wrung your hands together as though weaving your thoughts together.  

“It felt wrong-it felt wrong to-uh- to just leave you to…let you go? inside? by yourself,” your fidgeting intensified, with you picking at your nails now. 

“You’d saved my life before, and I owed you a debt and it wasn’t right. I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t seen you go in. I couldn’t tell anyone you went in either, given you’d made me promise to keep your identity a secret,” you rambled on, “so I wrote a letter to my parents in case I died after following you in there.”

What?

You weren’t looking at him anymore, holding your hands together to keep from shivering too noticeably, whispering “I said that there was a Dark Knight Hero in Mondstadt that saved my life on multiple counts.” 

You paused.

 A shiver wracked your body as you raised your head to look at him. Panicked, you added in, “I didn’t mention your name though! Just your mantle of Dark Knight Hero, and no real information that would really allude to you - I mean your real identity! Except that thing about using the Angel’s Share if they wanted to contact you and-”

“No matter,” you’d been writing about him ? “Is that all you wrote in the letter?”

“Oh. Yes. Um sorry. The letter. Well…well in the rather viable case I didn’t survive, I wanted my parents to know why I had died…and that I loved them dearly, and was so thankful to be their daughter..and that I would honor that they raised me to be generous, and to repay my debts, so I would be following my savior into the domain, in hopes of being of help to them,” a violent shiver went through you then. 

“I also disclosed that I’d received a vision that I would be using to heal you, and I loved them a lot, and I hoped they’d be proud,” you finished with a small smile before adding on, “oh! And I also told them to come collect my research and give it to my mentor.”

“Your mentor?”

You gave a small smile, “a Forest Ranger by the name of Tighnari.”

You were answering his questions so readily. You were even providing added details, and rambling as you often did. So all that dodging with Kaeya…?

“Then the sensitive information you were hiding with a cipher?” He needed to confirm.

“I promised you I wouldn’t tell anyone, didn’t I?” You looked at him again, looking mildly concerned he hadn’t believed you when you’d promised.

You withstood Kaeya’s interrogation to conceal his involvement and protect his identity? Diluc found himself pinching the bridge of his nose. What made this worse was that Kaeya already knew about his identity. If you’d known, maybe you could have avoided all that strife.

“You don’t believe me?” You sounded positively crestfallen.

You looked equally crestfallen, and your wobbling bottom lip told him you were still riddled with nerves.

“No,” he sat up to look at you, “no I do, I believe you. I just didn’t expect you would go to such lengths.”

“But…I promised you?” You were very clearly offended. “It’s a good thing I used a cipher, of all the knights, Sir Kaeya was the one to find them…”

You seemed to realize something in that moment, given your expression shifted back to horror as you stared at him, “you said you received information…did Sir Kaeya tell you about my letters? Why would he…? Are you colluding with-”

“I work alone,” he cut you off then and there, “there are a few exceptions to this rule and Kaeya is not one of them.”

“Why would he tell you about them though? Do you know Sumerian? Was it Sir Kaeya that told you about the letters?”

“No, and, yes,” that you continued to use Kaeya’s title after what he’d done to you today felt like a testament to your filial piety. 

A daughter that hoped her parents were proud of her…

“Then is Sir Kaeya aware of your identity?” Your intuition, or perhaps it was your intellect that led you to that conclusion.

“Yes,” he informed you, “whether that is to my fortune or misfortune, I’ve yet to find out.”

Your mouth hung open, reminding him a lot of a fish out of water. You shuddered, shaking your head and looked away. Your breathing slowed, then became a laborious task. You were blinking with increased frequency.

“I’d have appreciated knowing that before,” you resumed playing with your nails, “then again it wouldn’t have changed much. Wait a minute…that tip he gave me about the Angel’s Share…”

“You never know what Kaeya’s thinking, don’t trouble yourself with it,” Diluc chose to save you from further agony.

You shook your head again, before looking up to meet his gaze yet again, “is there anything else you wished to discuss?”

Diluc felt his eyes widen. Much like you had earlier while being interrogated, your lips wobbled, and your extremities trembled, yet you sat there before him.

“I’ll save talks of payment for your remedies and services for another day,” why did that statement only increase how nervous you were, “do not try to dissuade me, you worked hard to heal me.”

“Because you saved my life.”

“You mean to say you wouldn’t have healed me if I hadn’t saved your life?”

“No! I mean yes?” You gestured in frustration. “Of course I would still heal you! Even if you hadn’t saved my life!”

“Then, I owe you mora for your products and services,” he insisted, “quite a bit of it from what I gather.”

“You owe me nothing,” you stubbornly disagreed, “besides you said we would be saving this discussion for another day.”

“You entering the domain and providing support was more than enough repayment for a debt you do not owe, yet insist upon.”

“You still had to help me out while in the domain unfortunately,” you were quick with your responses, “ and you saved my life three times, so I have only cleared one count-”

“Adelinde is the one who sheltered you from the rain-”

“In your manor-”

“Winery,” he corrected, “and I would never deny Adelinde anything, she deserves all the credit for that.” 

Your mouth snapped shut with how final his argument was. Now for the last count, or rather first count, “I have no recollection of the ‘first time’ you claim I saved your life.”

“You killed an Abyss Mage - Cryo Abyss Mage,” you informed him quickly, pointing off to the side, “not far outside that exit.”

“Exterminating Abyss Mages near Mondstadt is done more in service of Mondstadt than for you ,” that sounded harsher than he’d intended, “that is to say I would have exterminated it either way and you don’t need to feel indebted.”

“Lastly,” he paused for a moment, “you provided a distraction that aided me, and provided intel that aided my interrogation, for that third count, so you’ve no debt to repay,” his lips quirked up slightly, “if anything I’m indebted to you .”

Checkmate.

Your face scrunched up in a way that clearly said: preposterous! He could sense you working to rapidly spin together a counter argument to all he’d presented to you. He had to end this cycle, swiftly.

“How about we agree that all debts are settled between us, and stand as equals?” He proposed.

“I couldn’t possibly-”

“I will abandon the thought that I am indebted to you,” he cut you off, “if you will abandon the thought that you are indebted to me.”

Your brow furrowed as you struggled with that notion. So he decided to help sway you in his favor, “I promise you, you owe me no debts.”

“Then…then if I agree, would you be more willing to solicit my services?”

“Only if you agree to let me pay for them, as a customer of these services,” he answered, standing to offer you his hand.

You stared at him for a moment, before getting to your feet with a huff.

“Very well,” you shook his hand, sealing your agreement.

“Now by that token-”

“Oh no,” you cut him off, withdrawing from the handshake to point at him in warning, “we are starting from zero. That was the agreement.”

 “Very well,” well he wasn’t the only person who could get his money to you, “please stop by the winery, I believe I have something that may be of interest to you there.”

“Sure,” you didn’t sound very convincing.

“You’re planning on running from me again aren’t you?”

“Hey!” It was nice to see you were less nervous, with how your responses were. “I-I stopped when you asked me why I was running, didn’t I?”

“Yes, that you did,” he gestured at your plate, “would you like to continue our meal?”

You looked down, before taking a seat, “I think that would be a good idea.”

He returned to his seat as well. Things were silent as you continued to eat. Meanwhile he called Patton over, quietly requesting a couple of glasses and a bottle of grape juice.

“Oh!” You looked up at him. “Master Diluc, um, I promised I wouldn’t say a thing about your identity, but Sir Kaeya seems to think I’m a malicious spy from another nation,” you seemed to struggle with your words, “how can I - may I…?”

“How should you clear things up so Kaeya won’t continue to be suspicious of you?” He articulated for you.

“Ah yes,” you nodded at him.

“Leave Kaeya to me,” the vigilante weaved his fingers together, “I’ll make it so he doesn’t bother you again.”

A moment of silence passed. Drunkards could be heard from within the tavern.

“That sounds mighty ominous Master Diluc,” you commented.

His lip quirked upward at that remark, “Kaeya is bored and in need of entertainment,” he made eye contact with you, “unfortunately, your penchant for running into Abyss Mages, and manner of being, seem to amuse him.”

“What makes you think that?” Your brow pinched.

“The manner in which he informed me of your letters,” he paused to receive the glasses and bottle of grape juice from a waiter, then waited until he’d walked out of earshot, “while your use of a cipher was suspicious, it was clear he was less suspicious and more curious, and mostly because he suspected you followed me in.”

Another shiver racked your body. Ah yes - 

“I think you ought to declare your vision,” he advised, pouring some grape juice and offering it to you, “keeping it hidden will only increase suspicions surrounding you.”

“Miss Lisa knows about it, and she’s technically a Knight of Favonius or with the knights” you answered, accepting the glass, “does that count?”

“Does she also know why you want to keep it hidden?” He glanced at you momentarily while filling another glass.

“Vaguely?” You worked to poke a piece of meat and cheese at the same time. “No… I mean yes , she knows. I remember, she figured out about-learned about my discomfort around Kaeya and told me she wouldn’t tell him about it.”

“Either way, make sure Jean knows about it,” he took a sip out of his glass.

“But she’s always so busy, I’d rather not bother her for something so trivial,” you picked up your own glass, taking a tentative sip.

Seems the juice was to your liking if your expression was any indication.

“This is for the sake of your safety, and you’d be saving her a lot of work in the future should you get tangled in messy matters again,” he informed you, “actually it might be better if you have Lisa inform her on your behalf. Given what you’ve told me about her, she’d report things in a way that’s favorable for you.”

“I’ll make sure to let Master Jean know in some way then,” you smiled at him, “thank you. I appreciate it.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Also thank you for the juice! It’s delightful!”

“I am glad it’s to your liking.”

Silence fell upon the two of you again as you continued eating. Refilling his glass, the former knight remembered something.

After calling for your attention, Diluc asked you about something he’d been curious about, “did you sell soap to a group of Fatui while you were away?”

“Fatui?” Your expression fell into something pensive. “Ah! Those men that wear colorful clothing with a flower looking pattern on them?”

“Yes.”

“I did,” you nodded, “they were the last soaps from an experimental batch,” you explained, “I felt bad taking their money, but they insisted on it, particularly the guy in a red coat.”

Ah, that was the Fatuus he’d interrogated if memory served, “did they do anything to you?”

“Not really?” You shook your head. “They questioned me a bit. They thought I was a witch or something. Aside from that one guy I mentioned before, the rest seemed...unfriendly.”

“Yes, Fatui are generally ‘unfriendly’, to put it mildly,” Diluc nodded, folding his arms across his chest, “they’re an organization that uses oppressive methods to force countries to do business in a manner that’s favorable for them.”

”Really?” Seems you hadn’t heard of the Fatui as you regarded him more with curiosity than conviction.

You didn’t look like you were completely convinced by what he was saying, but you didn’t verbally oppose him either.

“Well anyway,” you poked at a piece of potato, “I packed myself up, and the moment my new soaps had set, I was off.”

“A wise decision,” Diluc nodded in approval, taking a small sip of his juice.

“Yes, well, having a group of strange men in the wild know my location isn’t exactly safe, wouldn’t you agree?” You smiled sardonically.

“I would.”

 “I’m curious as to how you know about this though?” You asked him.

“The adventurer you sent your letter with was rather loud about Fatui being near your location,” he placed his glass down on the table, “so I dealt with them and discovered some of your soap at their camp.”

You looked mildly discomforted, clearly having an idea of what he’d meant when he’d said he’d “dealt with them.”

“The Fatui pulled some underhanded moves in an attempt to place Mondstadt in their debt.”

Your face fell as you considered that.

“Once indebted to them-”

“They could use that as leverage in future negotiations,” you finished quietly, your gaze downcast

“Precisely,” your knowledge was turning out to be broader than he’d expected, “do you have experience with negotiation?”

“Pardon?” You seemed startled by the new question.

“I’m wondering if you have experience negotiating,” he repeated. Now that he thought about it, you had negotiated that one adventurer down, according to him.

“Why do you ask?”

“You seemed familiar with the leverage tactic.”

“Yes, well, it’s a rather common tactic used by many people in many situations, isn’t it?” You leaned back in your seat, gesturing into the air, “the whole ‘you scratch my back, I scratch yours,’ only perverted into a: ‘I’ve scratched your back, now you owe me a back scratching too.’”

“It almost sounds like you’ve been on the receiving end of this,” Diluc mused, “is this where your obsession with repaying debts comes from?”

You paused, as though frozen by an enemy attack, blankly staring at him. When you finally blinked again, you seemed to shake off your trance with a shake of your head.

“Maybe, I think it does influence it partially,” you nodded, “but I also simply hate being indebted. Or only taking and not giving back.”

“Understandable,” Diluc weaved his fingers into each other before him.

A silence passed over the two of you, long enough and empty enough that the vigilante wondered if that would be all for the night. Until you poked a potato with your fork and looked his way again.

“I assume the Fatui plot was foiled by Mondstandt’s most vigilant Dark Knight?” You asked.

“It was a collective effort,” the corner of his lips quirked up at the memory.

“I’m glad you all managed to avoid being indebted to the uh…Fatui?” Your smile fell into a frown.

“I advise you avoid them,” he made eye contact with you, “they can be quick to resort to violence. You were lucky this time.”

“Noted,” you nodded, finally eating that potato you’d poked earlier.

You continued to eat for a little longer, but it was clear you were going to save the rest for another day. You were quick to pack yourself up. Upon finishing your glass of juice you smiled at him, without all the nerves this time, “thank you very much for the meal and everything else Master Diluc,” you took a deep breath, “I feel much better thanks to you.”

“Thank you as well,” he returned your smile with a polite one of his own, “for your efforts in keeping my identity a secret.”

“Like I said,” you met his eyes again, “I promised you.”

You pulled your hood over your head and cast him one last look, “good night Master Diluc, and thank you again.”

[camillekaze]

Since it's been a minute and I love talking about music, tagged by the lovely @homosociallyyours <3 Rules: Shuffle your on repeat playlist and post the first 10 tracks, then tag 10 people!

Feel it Still - Portugal. The Man an oldie but a goodie - also @chrispineofficial mentioned it recently and you all should know this is the title and artist of the song for your fics not "A Rebel Just for Kicks Now"

SUPERBLOOM - MisterWives just a good song if you're having a tough time and need a boost

What You Want To Hear - Sub-Radio if you do anything, please listen to Sub-Radio for me, I adore these boys more than my own life. also another song to boost you out of tough times

King Of My Heart - Sub-Radio again I implore you - but this is their explicitly gay song and you fucks will love it. If that's not enough of a hard sell let me include the lyric from the bridge "I don't hit the floor for no one but you"

decide to be happy - MisterWives can you tell I've had a bad year lol

Room For You - Sub-Radio gimme a break I just saw them for the third time this past weekend and I have a tattoo of their album art I got it bad for them- this is a happy break up song

Rose-Colored Boy - Paramore you can't beat upbeat music behind lyrics like "just let me cry a little bit longer"

Sweet Talk - Saint Motel I believe I started digging deeper into Saint Motel because @championofdogs rec'd me a few songs and also we have the same braincell

Calm Down - All Time Low another one for the 'it's been a rough week/month/year/couple of years"

Kitchen Song - Tessa Violet I am in love with Tessa's latest album but this song is also attached to a comic I've had on the backburner and really ought to get back to As ever, no pressure to do these I just think they're fun and I tag the aforementioned Chris Pine and Ivan, as well as @ladymdc, @morpheusdreamt and if you see this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged!

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Ashton & Luke’s Solo Albums Masterlist

a change of heart and a silver lining (ao3) - bellawritess luke/ashton T, 18k

Summary: Calum’s not obsessed with routine or anything, but he does become accustomed to certain constants in life. Michael is always about eight minutes late. Ashton always records vocals barefoot. Calum always knows the person behind the register at Bake Station.

Except today. Today it’s a stranger, though admittedly a stranger who looks enough like Jack that Calum can easily connect the dots.

“Hi there,” says the bloke in Jack’s place, giving Calum a bright smile. “What can I get for you today?”

If this is Luke Hemmings, Calum’s fucked.

(OR: wrong number AU and strangers to lovers bakery AU battled and this was the outcome.)

Ache (ao3) - @daydadahlias (cornflowerblue (daydadahlias)) luke/calum E, 17k 

Summary: Calum tries to watch the tape twice.

And he can't finish it.

Display (ao3) - @daydadahlias​ (cornflowerblue (daydadahlias)) luke/calum E, 12k

Summary: “Now that would be a headline.” Luke’s blue eyes are crinkled at their corners with his laughter. “Band Member Sues Band Member Over Amateur Porn Tape Amidst Promo For New Solo Album.”

Don't look away till it's gone (ao3) - beendreaminglikeafool T, 5k

Summary: Luke's repressed most things in his life: from feelings and trauma to fears that never seem to fade away.

Drive (ao3) - no_clue_who luke/ashton T, 1k

Summary: Luke could also tell that he was restless and wanted to be out making something. He wanted to be showing off the album they had made, showing off the work he had done. Luke knew Ashton hated staying in one place for such a long time when he could be out there doing.

“Ash, sweetheart, please go be mad on your drums,” Luke says finally, watching him feed Petunia with a frown on his face, “You needed to get this energy out, please go do that on your drums.”

Ashton turned and walked down to the makeshift studio they had built when they first bought this house. Luke listened and heard a few door slams and then a loud cymbal crash, he knew Ashton would get through this weird spot.

Or how not to make a solo album

I could never bring you peace (on my way to wonderland)  (ao3) - TeamAstrid michael/calum, luke/ashton T, 2k

Summary: Ashton leans back to try to catch his eyes. “Luke, we’re going to be at the studio all day. 5SOS5 is going to be fine without you losing sleep over it.” 

Luke sighs and finally meets his gaze. “It’s not for 5SOS5,” he admits.

“Well, if it’s even less urgent-”

“It’s for my own album.”

For a split second, Ashton just gapes.

in the in between (ao3) - galacticsugar luke/calum M, 32k

Summary: “What the fuck is this?”

It’s pretty much Luke’s first full spoken-in-person-sentence to Calum in months.

It’s his first sentence to Calum in months, and he’s yelling it in the middle of his driveway at seven in the morning, while a dog yelps back at him from down the street. It’s perfect.

“I thought you said you wanted iced coffee,” Calum replies defensively, consciously diverting his eyes away from Luke’s face because it’s the only way he can be sure he’s not staring. He needs to act normal, but he can’t remember exactly what acting normal around Luke actually entails. Probably not constantly shifting his eyes around like he’s possessed. He forces his eyes back to Luke’s face before Luke goes off in search of a priest skilled in exorcisms.

it's heaven in your arms (ao3) - toddamyanderson luke/calum G, 2k

Summary: “Cal,” he whispered.

“Mm?”

“Should you go back to bed now?”

He only grunted in response, snuggling more into Luke’s side, his hand coming up to rest on his stomach. “Don’t wanna. Comfy.” Luke smiled even wider, happy to be the center of Calum’s affection. It was nice to have someone to hold.

"Looks Like Superbloom Merch" (ao3) - plushyluke luke/ashton E, 2k

Summary: Luke steals Ashton's Superbloom t-shirt. Ashton fucks him in it.

Superbloom (ao3) - @daydadahlias (cornflowerblue (daydadahlias)) T, 3k

Summary: Ashton brings Calum a CD.

[savingspoons]

Getting Inked with Chelsea B

So, my sleeve is complete and I fucking love it. Take a look!

Since I was old enough to know what tattoos were, I wanted them.  After a few hours in the shop, I leave knowing myself a little more than when I went in. My body now more of my own design, something I can smile at in the mirror.

It may sound odd to some, having a pain inducing disorder and choosing to have pain inducing hobby. I have to save up so many extra spoons for tattoo days and for the days that follow. I even time my days off at work around appointments so I can get extra rest. But looking at my ink, well I think it gives me back some spoons.

Fibromyalgia makes me feel very out of control. It makes my body rebel against itself with pain.

But a tattoo that’s something I chose, I chose the way it looks, where it’s placed, and I make the choice to take the pain. Getting to take control of my body is empowering and vital to my sanity.

  My disease might be invisible, but I am not.  My tattoo’s help me to feel seen. Even if I’m holding onto the wall or a stairwell railing for support, now I look cool doing it. Right?

  This is Riverside Tattoo parlor in Savannah, Georgia. Where I spent 5 sessions with Chelsea Beckworth getting inked.

 This place has the coolest vibes. Riverside is Savannah’s very first fully queer-owned and operated tattoo studio.

There I am, hanging out before one of my appointments because I am super early for everything But I've always got a book with me so that's never a problem. Speaking of....

If you haven't read The Butcher and the Wren by Alaina Urquhart, run to your nearest bookstore and get yourself a copy. This thriller by the co-host true crime podcast Morbid is a MUST read and I am seriously on edge waiting for the sequel to release this fall.

Literally Could not have picked a better artist, or person. I mean look at this doll!

Chelsea was more than understanding about my medical condition and made sure to let me know that this was at my pace- not to apologize for needing breaks or anything else.  During our sessions she was super chill when I needed to adjust how I was positioned – because we all know how great fibro is not being able to be in one spot for more than 20 minutes without pain.

Going in for that first session I was excited and scared. My last tattoo was in my twenties and that’s been more than a decade ago.

Ugh. Did I really just type that?

With some minor hick-ups, like after my third appointment getting the tattoo flu because I didn’t take care of myself after - with plenty of rest, hydration and proper nutrition.

 Yeah, that sucked.  Or how I had to reschedule the 4th appointment because my HRT shot went awry sending me to the emergency room… A little over a year and a half later we were finished, and I now have this beautiful black and gray sleeve forever.

Now I want to tell you about Chelsae Beckworth as I totally believe she deserves recognition and just ugh everything. Honestly-This chick is the best. We met for coffee at the absolute cutest little café not 3 minutes’ walk from the shop, the morning before my last appointment.

Sitting across from me relaxed and chatting with the barista’s of Superbloom I find Chelsae Beckworth drinking her iced latte-extra shot- please and thank you ma’am.  She looks just as at home here as she is two streets away at Riverside Tattoo Parlor where she has worked for the last 3-4 years. This self-described earthy girlie who loves lizardling in the sunshine is a Taurus whose playlist includes everything from Celine Dion to Shania Twain and podcast like Two Hot Takes and Trixie and Katya.

Aren’t we all listening to Trixie and Katya though?  If not, you should be.

When asked how she would describe her personal artistic style without missing a beat Chelsea said, ‘Cutesy but with some darkness to it’.

Immediately this came to mind, because this is totally the vibes Beckworth gives off.

Having a background in makeup then finding herself in the world of tattooing and becoming an apprentice from her mom’s friend from church makes the above gif even more spot on. She tells me that one of the hardest parts of her job is the imposter syndrome the comes along with it and having people see her separate from her job. She’s not just a tattoo artist she’s also someone who loves to cook and go rollerblading, a cat mom of two, and someone who hates getting tattooed.

Just look at these cuties- Beans and Brussels Sprouts

When deciding which artist to work with it’s always a good idea to pick someone who enjoys doing the type of work you’re looking for. (Realism, traditional, watercolor, neo traditional, trash polka, new school, fine line) It generally makes for a better piece of art in the end. Some favorite of Chelseas are pin ups, heavy line work, small and quick projects and she also is looking forward to working on traditional pieces in the future. My sleeve was a much larger undertaking and I totally played tattoo pizza with her at times (can we add this here, what about another bee over here? Sorry Chelsea!) but she smashed it and I think I can safely say we both had some fun getting this done.

I asked Chelsea to send me what her favorite tattoo’s she’s done, and these are a few that she sent- I mean lets be serious everything the woman does is fabulous people.

If you find yourself in the low country and need some ink. Go visit my girl Chelsea and in her own words - " Come get cool tat and lets chat".

[unfoldingsky]

precious mutual @hookedhobbies tagged me to list six albums I've been listening to recently and favourite songs from them. He we go!

Superbloom by Silent Planet. This is their best album fight me! Collider and Antimatter are my absolute favourites but it's so hard to choose.

Wither//Without by If I Were You. A good, solid new metalcore album. Love it. My favourite track is probably Downfall.

This Place Will Become Your Tomb by Sleep Token. Always a classic, always so good. Such a great album. Atlantic is so dear to me. The lyrics. The lyrics!!!!

Unreal Unearth by Hozier. Not much to say about this album that hasn't already been said. De Selby (part 2) is my jam.

Take Me Back To Eden by Sleep Token. Of course. I feel like I've heard tracks from this album all over the internet so I started to distance myself a little from it, because I don't want to get tired of listening to it. Rain is my favourite. And I know, I know, I am what I am, the mouth of the wolf, the eyes of the lamb.

Dear Insanity… by DPR IAN. Such a good Indie pop album. Recommended. That man has my heart. Welcome to the Other Side is my favourite.

I'm going to tag @huntingteeth and @a-s-levynn

[lashton-is-my-drug]

Luke and Ash living together at Ash’s house during quarantine lockdown and got more serious than ever before.

Amazon Music and Spilling The Quarrantea livestreams, plus other things.

1. The food situation. Discourse back and forth between Luke and Ash of being out of food, during both livestreams.

Both talking about being out of groceries and kept bringing up fish fingers and chicken fingers/nuggets. Pretended to both go get groceries when Michael said the grocery store (Ralph's) just restocked. Ash is the first to get up and leave, fast. Luke only starts to get up to leave.

It seems like perhaps Ash is the one that does the grocery shopping. Ash is the one who says he's going to the store when he can. Luke doesn't offer that idea up. Luke seems like he was sulking because he didn't have the foods he likes. Notice how his demeanor is when they're talking about not having food, in the Quarrantea livestream. Luke even tries to make a point by asking everyone what they're having for dinner, Ash reiterates his fish fingers situation, Michael gives an answer that he hasn't even given it a thought.

2. Amazon Music livestream, Pink Floyd, Lashton listening to Pink Floyd together. Public mentions by both.

a. August 13, 2021 Pink Floyd was one of the influences for Luke’s solo album. Luke brings them up when talking about his song ‘Beautiful Dream’ (Nylon mag interview ) 

b. Ash worn lots of PF band tees throughout the years (incl. recent pap pics of him walking with Cal via his own twitter May 1, 2019).

c. Ash tweet using “Welcome to the Machine” businessman on fire artwork March 20, 2020.

d. During Luke’s August 2021 interview with Billboard for WFTTWTAF, “I listened to so much Pink Floyd in the past couple of years, especially [during lockdown], and was very influenced by them, particularly Dark Side of the Moon." Billboard 20 Questions interview.

e. ”Welcome to the Machine” from the “Wish You Were Here” EP to Ash’s ig story on Dec 16, 2021.

f. Ash posted a video to his ig story of Pink Floyd “Echoes” in Pompeii performance on July 20, 2022.

3. Spilling the Quarrantea - Luke saying Ash only started growing his own vegetables “10 minutes ago” (He’s clued into this small detail, Ash doesn’t argue it)

4. The only thing Luke had to say about Sierra during lockdown was that she had been making bread (so was many of the population) - not from livestreams but interesting enough to include.

5. Spilling the Quarrantea - The room Luke is in has very similar style to the room Ash is in (possibly in the same house, noteworthy)

6. Ash promo pic of Superbloom includes similar wallpaper than the wallpaper in Luke’s studio room. (same house? wallpaper shopping together?)

7. I’m suspicious that Luke’s WFTTWTAF ig live was at Ash’s house

8. Luke gets the rose tattoo (Ash has one on his arm). Fans notice in picture August 6. 2021.

9. Luke and Ash each wear the black onyx rings for Twitch stream ranking 5SOS songs (Aug 19, 2021), (Lierra engagement announced June 8, 2021 via People), so he’s engaged yet wearing a matching ring with someone else…. Ok

10. Muke isn’t real, Michael reads wattpad fanfic in front of a huge livestream of fans. A partner wouldn’t do that. Ash swooped in to save the situation by making up his own funny one about Cal.

11. Ash took the trip to the desert to go create his solo album, meanwhile Luke creates his own album back in LA. They gave each other a bit of space in their creative processes to write. Pick someone supportive.

12. Ash writes songs about lies, pain, and he’s so tortured, yet publicly he is supposedly in a happy relationship (which is whats being pushed on social media). Ash’s relationship ends lowkey sometime before his birthday but after release of album. Releases his album independently. Then, right before Luke’s album is released on a record label under Sony, there’s an engagement with the gf who is also a songwriter on his album which is being promoted in his album interviews.

13. Luke writing songs about Camellia Street and a change of heart. The narrative is it's where Sierra’s apartment was when they met, but what’s not being said is there’s actually a Camellia Street in Western Sydney where the guys are from. If he were to say that and Sierra hasn’t lived in Aus, then it leaves it open for question (who is Luke having ‘a change of heart’ with?).

14. Luke writing lyrics “Now with my eyes wide open, I’m nothing but a fake”, “I’m on my way to Wonderland, take off my suit  and wander in for a moment Or hide for a lifetime”

15. Ash writes songs about lying and living in a cage (“Perfect Lie”) and lyrics such as, “I’ve been living my life but it’s not how it looks” and “Playin’ but not on the team” (“Sunshine”).

Amazon Music Livestream March 27, 2020

Link to Amazon Music livestream

The moment Ash leaves to go pee, Luke looks away from screen..

Cal remarks about Luke’s background, Ash makes a joke “that's not blurred that the clouds bro, Luke lives up in the hills.” Cal: “He doesn’t like those jokes.” Ash: “I love it! He hates them!” *continues laughing* (this reminds me of when Ash brought up the nickname “breadstick”/a>)

Ash helps Luke with figuring out how to get the chat. “You need to get it fullscreen Luke.” (Helping one another)

Luke “Ashton, where do you buy your glasses? The toilet store” Ash “No no no, Don’t encourage him! 2002 Simpsons humor!” Luke laughing (Luke dishing it back at Ash)

Ash “Luke, here’s one, you bogus!”

Ash “Heartbreak Grill” Luke “Heartbake girl” Burgers versus cookies. Ash starts to fight him on it but then lets it go.

Luke is stone faced and quiet when Ash starts talking about his ‘long lost love bodybuilder gf in high school’.

Ash’s dinner last night was 8 chicken nugs and a bag of popcorn. (In an interview, Ash said of the whole band, he’s the best cook and Luke is the worst, Ash poked fun at Luke microwaves eggs, perhaps Luke doesn’t cook much at all at home so Ash fends for himself often. Also, if Ash supposedly has a gf why didn’t she help figure out food?)

Ash: “Here's a good comment. Luke speak, I want to hear your voice” (Very smooth Ash. Ash has spoken a lot in interviews about how much he loves Luke’s voice. A couple of examples: backstage 2018 ARIAS Seconds of Summer: Backstage at ARIAs 2018 (5SOS Uncut), promo interview for Superbloom )

Ash: “Do you mind if I go upstairs and make a sandwich and be back in 20 mins?” Luke: “a chicken nuggets sandwich?” (the ongoing references to chicken nuggets/fish fingers, they are sharing a freezer/fridge)

Ash chooses a comment asking to sing Pink Floyd, Ash impromptu singing “Wish You Were Here”. “Uh! I’ve got that one!” * Luke immediately picks the guitar back up and starts playing a couple chords with a grin on his face* 

(44:00) Luke has heart eyes and touches his eye with his hand, when Ash ends the story he wrote to redirect attention of livestream from the super uncomfortable wattpad Luke romance fanfic that Michael reads.

(48:50) Ash reads a “worst” comment to sing Lady Gaga but yet starts singing “Perfect Illusion”.

(about 50:00) Randomly Ash says “You’re telling me, you’ve seen a million faces and you’ve rocked them all?” *Luke laughs* A lyric of one of Luke’s longtime favorite bands Bon Jovi. Again, Luke picks up guitar then plays a few notes of “Dead or Alive”.

(about 52:00) Ash reads a comment to listen to “Toxic” by Britney Spears. Ash then dances to it. Luke with huge grin on his face, bopping his head.

(about 57:30) Ash reads a comment for Luke to sing SLSP. Luke picks up guitar and starts playing. Ash “that rocked, that rocked my world”

(about 1:00:00) Fun fact: Empty Wallets was the first single they wanted to release off of Youngblood. (Lashton song, but that’s for a different day.)

(about 1:00:00) Ash “Here’s one. ‘Luke sing “Single Ladies” by Beyonce.’ I want to see that.” starts singing “put your hands up”

(about 1:02:00) Luke compliments Ash doing low screams, then says he can do the low screams and Luke can do the high screams.

 (about 1:04:00) Ash “I like this comment. ‘This is what real men vibe to.’ Damn right. That’s… thats true” *smiles* Luke: “Damn straight”

Over the course of the livestream, Ash reads out comments to read Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Beyonce.

Spilling the Quarrantea April 20, 2020

Link to Spilling the Quarrantea livestream

Luke and Ash both say that they are low on food, then when Michael says Ralph’s just restocked they both pretend to go together. Ash keeps repeating he only had fish fingers to eat, and Luke saying deflatedly that he has nothing left. When they get back into frame, Luke picks a quarrel by saying he bought all of the fish fingers so he can’t have any. Ash “I’m already down to my last groceries” Luke “Yeah I’ve got nothing left.” It’s brought up again later on. Ash “I just ate my last bag of fish fingers” Luke “yeah I’ve got no, I’ve got no food. I just ate my last chicken fingers.”” Luke brings up “what are you guys having for dinner?” Ash “I ate my fish fingers until I brave the outside world.” *Luke’s small awkward laugh*

Ash: “How was Ralph’s?” Luke: “Ralph’s was good. I bought all the fish fingers and there’s none left for you”

Luke and Ash being in sync so much they both turn to the side and lean down at the same time, at the end.

Ash makes a joke about Petunia being Luke’s roommate. Notice how much Luke and Ash are making jokes and ganging up on Cal and/or Michael.

Right at the beginning, Ash starts pretty much serenading Luke by playing the guitar and singing “Hey Carissa” to him.

Luke starts singing “Come come with a kick drum and a gary” and Ash is the only one that immediately starts clapping along.

Cal asks what they’ve been up to, that he hasn't seen them for two weeks, and Luke jokes about finishing the 5th album. Luke and Ash: “Gotta hit’em with a two hit wonder”, they both start shadowboxing.

Luke and Ash gang up on Cal about his outfit being a surf culture company. (Mind you, they themselves have been spotted before wearing the same company). Luke and Ash are losing their shit laughing.

Ash says “this is gotta be x rated, x rated, parental guidance rating for that fringe” when Luke’s bangs are in front of his headphones. Luke and Ash smirk and laugh.

Luke: I was trying to get the lighting right, does it look better or worse?” Ash “guess so, guess so” Luke: “It's hard to get lighting right” *Ash laughing* Ash “So hard” more laughing while Luke then pouts. (Luke has a pattern, since they’ve known each other, of pouting and fake crying to Ash, if he wants to get his way or feels like he’s let him down.)

Luke is asked “What have you been up to?” Luke: “I’ve been growing this beard, dyed my hair for a music video that didn’t happen” Ash flamboyantly says “you look amaaaaazing”. 

Luke does a move with his hands thinking it was a move for the music video for “Lost Boy”. Luke: “That's that video we did this thing.” Ash: *agrees softly to him* (a music video doesn’t exist for “Lost Boy”.)

Ash remembers Luke’s mom's tuna bake “that shit was good”. Luke jokes: “sounds like you're gonna make a your momma joke” Ash: “it was good” (a memory involving Luke’s mom is something that Ash recalls from their time in London, of which all the guys were just saying they don’t remember anything from then.)

Luke and Ash having their own conversation about Ash shaving his head for the album promo. Which then leads to joking about host mode. Luke bullies Ash about asking Michael about his least favorite song on the first album, Ash fondly laughs.

Ash tries again to get Luke to go into host mode, but then Luke tries to put it onto Michael to host.

At about the 26:00 mark, Luke and Ash are mirroring each other's head tilts.

“The Girl Who Cried Wolf” Luke and Ash copy each other’s “it's just lies!”

Ash “When do you think we’ll be able to see each other again.” Luke gets quiet with a serious look on his face and puts hand in front of his mouth.

(35:00) Ash and Luke mirroring touching the forehead.

Luke bursts out laughing when Ash puts the Ikea site on screen. (Luke finds Ash hilarious for everything istg, it's adorable don't get me wrong)

After the Ikea site, the first google search Ash does is “luke hemmings worst moments” then “luke hemmings net worth”. (Luke is first in Ash’s mind)

Ash mimicking Petunia’s zoned out face.

Ash “wow your roommate’s so hot, whats her name? Patrice?”, when Luke turns around to see Petunia, Ash does the same exact maneuver. Mirroring.

Luke does the “I love you” hand sign, and Ash says “I love you man��.

[ghost-of-you]

Catch 22 - CH - Part 1

Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: Some swearing but I think that’s it, this part is pretty chill.

Author's note: Okay, so, this story is my nemesis. If you follow me you probably saw me complaining about this at least once. I’ve been writing this since April 2019 and I’ve tried to write some form of it many times since 2013 so the fact that I'm actually posting this is quite impressive to me. This started as a one-shot of a fight and, well, I thought about how I could make the full story work this time and it got out of my control. It’s kinda like if I wrote the guy my 17 yo self was building in her head while he kept pulling shit on me.

About the story: the full thing is about 60k long, and it’s a slowburn, it’s unconventional, but still a slowburn, they just go around and around, you’ll get what I mean. Honestly, when I think about this story I think about how I met your mother and the quote “If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing: timing. But timing is a bitch." I really like chronic bad timing as a plot point and the interesting thing about bad timing is that once it's wrong it's really hard to get it right, add that and a shit ton of denial and we have them. Oh there's also a lot of best friend Michael cuz this is self-indulging okasoasas

quick shoutout to @in-superbloom and @hoodharlow for the feedback on this and literally everyone that had to listen to me talk about this in the past 3 years or so.

The title for this one is from State of Grace by Taylor Swift.

read it on ao3

Series Masterlist

playlist

part 2

_____________________

And I never saw you coming

2011

Sitting on the floor of Michael's room while losing to him in whatever video game they are playing is a common thing in Emma's life. What isn't as common are the other boys that crashed into it. Although they are quickly becoming a constant in her routine: getting home from school, listening to the loud sounds coming from the house next door, crashing rehearsals, and talking about music. 

Days like this, where there isn’t someone playing some instrument, are rare, but the Mario Kart match escalated, and Michael and Luke not wanting to admit defeat had turned the game into a full tournament. Emma is betting on Michael and Calum, on Luke.

"Of course, Michael is going to win, playing is all he ever does," she states, gesturing to both boys in the bed while sitting on the floor next to Calum, and that makes Michael protest with a "hey.”

"But Luke is better at this game," Calum says as a red shell hits Luke, allowing Michael to pass him in the last curve. 

"Is he, though?" Emma points at the screen, grinning at Calum, making him roll his eyes. 

"Victory!" Michael says, dropping his controller, and she leans forward to high-five him. 

"That doesn't prove anything," Luke complains as the podium sequence plays on the screen. 

"Wasn't that the whole point of the last 30 minutes? Come on it's just a stupid game, who cares?" Emma says, running her hands through her hair. 

"I do!" Both boys answer in unison. 

“You guys are ridiculous. This game takes more luck than ability. You can be the first, take a blue shell just because you’re loading too much of the track and loose, or Michael can be second during the whole thing and get a red one and pass Luke in the last second. You’ll never settle this. We’ll be here forever at this pace.” She doesn't realize how frustrated she sounds, throwing her hands up, as the two boys looked at her dumbfounded.

“She’s got a point, mate,” Calum says by her side, pressing his lips to stop himself from laughing, and she bursts into laughter when she turns to him. She doesn’t really know why she’s laughing so much. It all just feels so funny to her. So she throws her head back, laughing until she’s out of breath. The boys following as if the girl losing it was the funniest thing that happened that day. Not Michael pushing Calum off the bed when he was about to pass him. Or the terrible race between Emma and Luke where she somehow finished it a full five minutes after he won.

“No, I don’t, not really,” she says when she finally catches her breath again. “That was intense for someone that’s saying you’re the ones too invested,” she adds, looking at Michael, who has an amused expression on his face.

“Does that mean you don’t want me to win?” He asks her with a grin.

“Well, it would be good for your ego to lose sometimes. It’s not like I’m that big of a competition,” Emma shrugs, “at least Luke makes you work for it.”

“So it means you’re admitting I’m the best?” He brags, making her roll her eyes.

“Wouldn’t you like that, M? Maybe you should start another tournament, it’s not like you’re gonna settle this anytime soon.”

“Or we could rehearse like we were supposed to,” Calum says, eyeing them.

“Cal's right,” Luke says, picking up a guitar. 

“So, you’re giving up?” Michael questions and Luke just sighs.

“Winning by default it’s not really winning,” Calum says.

“But I already won.” Michael protests, looking around his friends.

“Did you? Did you really?” Calum adds, making Emma choke on a chuckle.

"After this, I want a rematch," Michael replies, pointing at Luke before picking up his guitar. 

"You want a rematch for a game you won?" Emma asks, with a giggle. "See, I told you losing would be good for your ego."

"That doesn't make any sense, trouble," he says, giving her a confused look. 

"Of course it does," she shrugs as if telling him to let it go. "What song are you doing next?"

_____

"Hey," Emma says before sitting down on the curb and nudging the boy already sitting there with her shoulder and Calum turns and smiles at her, removing his earphones. 

"Hi," he replies, while she takes her backpack off her shoulders and places it in front of her. 

"It's M not home yet?" She asks, wondering why he's sitting outside alone. 

"Nope," he answers, fidgeting with the cable in his hands.

"Shouldn't you be in school with him then?" She tilts her head, studying him, his brown eyes staring back into her hazel ones.

"I skipped it today," he replies, voice low.

"M is at school and you're not?" She laughs, sounding confused before pausing and looking at him for a moment, “are you okay?” She adds, still trying to read him.

“Yeah, just tired,” he nods and rubs his eyes before going back to playing with the cable, twisting it between his fingers.

“Okay,” she decides not to push it. “What are we listening to?” She asks, taking the earphones from him, putting one side in her ear, and listening until she recognizes an All Time Low song playing. She nods to it, scooting closer to him and offering him the other side. He raises an eyebrow to her, before letting out a chuckle and taking it, placing it in his ear. 

They stay like that until the song changes, and he relaxes beside her, dropping his head to her shoulder. She giggles when he yawns and lowers her head to his. That’s how Michael and Luke find them after a few songs, sharing earphones on the sidewalk.

“Awn,” Michael says, making Emma roll her eyes and Calum dart away, taking the cord with him, making Emma turn to him, laughing at the alarm in his face.

“You good?” She asks, getting up, and the boy nods. “Come on,” she offers her hand, helping him stand up and stopping in front of him, still holding his hand. “You sure?” She whispers, tilting her head, searching his face. Something about his expression softens, looking at her, and he nods again, letting go of her hand. 

“This is like, the first time in months, I’m home before you guys get here,” she turns to the other boys, greeting them with fist bumps, before picking her backpack from the ground, “but I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says and waves, walking away backward.

“Wait, you’re not coming?” Michael asks, frowning at her.

“Nope, sometimes I need to catch up on my school work, if you’re gonna be the famous one, I need to be the smart one,” she jokes, stopping to see his reaction.

“What are you implying?” He frowns harder at her as the other two boys laugh, and she raises her hands.

“You can get whatever you want from that,” she shrugs, “I’ll love you anyway.” She turns on her heels, mock-saluting them, “I’ll see ya soon.” 

She reaches her gate and waves again to the boys still on the sidewalk, before going in.

_______

"Let's go to the beach," Emma offers, getting up from the floor. They are in Calum's house, supposedly at band rehearsal, now that school is out and they are actually a band, but Emma could tell they were drained. Michael was playing the same note repeatedly, and Ashton was just slowly hitting the same spot on his cajón again and again. They all look at her like it's a terrible idea. "Come on, you guys haven't come up with anything since we got here. You need to get your energy flowing," she adds but they still didn't look convinced. "It's a beautiful day, please, you'll feel better and I like a spot not far from here," she says, looking at Ashton with pleading eyes, knowing that if she convinces him, then the others will follow. 

"She's right," Calum says, taking her by surprise, but she smiles at him. 

"Come on," she says moving to Michael, taking the guitar away from him with no resistance, taking his hands and pulling him to his feet, "we can take a ball, it will be fun."

"Are you trying to convince me by using a ball?" He gives her an unimpressed look. 

"I'll let you throw it at people's heads," she jokes, making them laugh. 

"Fine," he agrees, making her let out an excited "yes!" As she spins on her heels, "you do have a ball, right?" She says to Calum, making the boys grin, and Calum smirks and raises an eyebrow at her, "don't you dare," she warns him, raising her eyebrow and he raises his arms in defense, "I meant a football or something, didn't you used to play?" 

"I do have a football or something," he looks like he's going to add something, but she shoots him another warning look. 

"Great, go get it and let's go!" She shoos him, laughing and he frowns at her but does what she asks while she moves around the room, getting the rest of the boys to get up. 

The walk to the place Emma wants to go is short, passing quickly as she stops Michael from throwing the ball into random strangers. 

"But you said you'd let me," he pouts when she finally takes the ball away from him. 

"Yeah, I meant Luke's head," she replies, earning a "hey" from the blonde while the rest of them laugh.

They finally get to the beach, a spot by the end of it, rock formations to the left, and a patch of sand with not much around. 

Emma kicks her sneakers off, picking them up and making a beeline straight to the sea. She's laughing and kicking water, Michael joining her. 

"Is it cold?" One of the boys asks as she jumps to Michael's back. 

"Yeah," she answers and laughs when Michael pretends to throw her into the water, making her hold on to him harder. He's holding her by her thighs and walks them back to the rest of the boys. 

"So? You're all just gonna stand there?" She asks, giving a disapproving look, resting her chin on Michael's shoulder. 

"What are we supposed to do?" Luke asks.

"How should I know? I just wanted to get you all out of that room. You need some fun," she says with a grin. 

"You could throw the ball at them," Calum suggests handing him the ball, and the blonde grins turning back to Emma and Michael, making her screech and jump off Michael's back the moment the ball hits him. He surprisingly catches it and throws it back, hitting Calum, who turns it into a game of dodgeball. 

She doesn’t know how it happens, but all 5 of them are lying in the sand, Emma laughing so hard her belly hurts about how the ball bounced off Luke's head into Ashton's. 

"I'm gonna go find us something to drink," Ashton says while getting up. "Does anyone want to come?"

"Yeah, sure," Luke says while he and Michael stand up. 

"I'm fine right here," Emma says, and Michael looks back, looking conflicted. 

"I'll stay with her," Calum tells him, who nods, and the boys start walking to the street, leaving them alone and Calum moves closer to sit beside her. 

"How are you not freezing?" He asks, making her look down at her tank top and his hoodie while sitting up. The sudden change in the weather took her by surprise, the sun hiding and the salty wind picking up speed, making her painfully cold now that he had pointed it out. 

"Oh, I am," she reaches her hand to him, touching his cheeks with ice-cold hands and he curses.

"I would offer my hoodie, but then I'd be cold," he jokes, making her roll her eyes. He looks thoughtful for a second and shifts in the sand, getting behind her, legs outstretched on both of her sides, "come here," he pulls her towards him, making her gasp, but melt into him when he wraps his arms around her, "no reason why any of us have to be cold." 

"God, you're warm," she drops her head to his shoulder, leaning back on his chest, trying to get as much heat as she could, while she sneaks her hands into his sleeves. 

"And you're an ice cube," he states, taking her hand from his arm, making her move her head so she could look at him. "You know, for someone that's claiming to love the beach, you'd think you wouldn't be transparent," he jokes, laughing at how white she is as he looks at her fingers between his.

"Hey, I'm tanner than M," she protests and he laughs.

"That's not hard."

She is about to protest when he pulls the ends of his sleeve, covering his right hand and taking her left, intertwining their fingers, effectively covering hers too. He does the same with the other hand, and she settles back against him. 

"God, I love you," she closes her eyes, enjoying the heat. 

"Nah, you just love how hot I am," he teases, and she laughs. 

"Yeah, you're right." 

They start talking about the plans for the holidays, her head moving to lay on his arm, so she could look at him, making him shift his leg up to rest his arm on his knee, making it more comfortable. 

"Guys," Ashton's voice startles them both, making Emma jump and Calum drop his head to her shoulder with a sigh, while the boys sit down on the sand next to them, Michael shooting her a weird look and she mouths a “what?” and he mouths back “you two are cute,” and winks at her making her roll her eyes.

“Here,” Ashton throws a bottle to Emma, but Calum is faster, letting go of her hand and catching it before it falls. She laughs, looking at Calum and back at Ashton, getting her hands ready to pick up the second bottle he’s about to throw. She catches it and drops her head on Calum’s shoulder, and the boys start talking about some game, and she just relaxes, the last few rays of the sun making her content with just being there. 

It doesn’t take long before the sun is completely gone, and thunders start rumbling, bringing them back to reality.

She detaches herself from Calum, getting up, shaking the sand off of her, and reaching a hand out to him to help him up. He takes it, holding on to it for a second too long. When they get to the street, Calum takes his hoodie off and hands it to Emma. 

"I thought you weren't going to offer," she teases, accepting it but looking unconvinced down to it. 

"I can take it back if you don't want it," he reaches for it, but she pulls it away.

"No!" She says, her voice high-pitched, "I was just wondering." 

"My house is the closest, love, it's fine."

She looks at the hoodie in her hands and back to his face before pulling it over her head, not even noticing he had just called her love. It goes down to her thighs, almost covering her shorts. She's folding the sleeves so she can use her hands when she notices him looking at her. 

"What?" She shoots him a questioning look, and he shakes his head and says, "nothing," at the same time Michael calls for her. 

She’s still looking at Calum as the soft smile fades from his face when she moves away from him.

___

Emma doesn't even have time to question herself on why she is there. The rain took her by surprise, and now she's knocking on Calum's door, her feet taking her there because she has no idea where else to go. She's painfully cold and soaking wet from the run, praying for him to be home. 

"Emma?" Calum takes in the sight of her with confused eyes, and she almost cries out in happiness at seeing him. 

"Hi, can I wait here?" She says trying not to think about how cold she's feeling, "I called my dad but he can't pick me up yet and I'm cold and I'm wet and I didn't know where else to go," she rambles all in one breath making Calum laugh. 

"You were at the beach," he states, “get in here,” moving to let her in, and she nods while getting into the house and she tries not to get water everywhere while following him to his room. 

"Here," he hands her a towel, and she wraps it around her shoulder, too cold to try and dry herself. "What happened?" He asks while she stands in the middle of his bedroom, now unsure of what to do. 

"I didn't notice the weather changing," she holds the towel closer, teeth chattering, and he walks to his dresser. 

"No, why were you alone at the beach distracted enough not to notice the rain?" He asks, turning back to her, handing her a black piece of cloth, making her frown at him. "Dry yourself and we can talk without you breaking your teeth," he jokes and steps out of the room to give her privacy. 

She stares at his closed door for a second before shaking her head and looking at the fabric in her hand, a plain long-sleeved black shirt. She dries herself as best as she can, before pulling his shirt over her head. 

She looks around the room, confusion spinning in her head for a second, before walking out of the room to look for Calum, finding him sitting in the kitchen. 

"Thanks," she stops by the door while grabbing the ends of the long sleeves and closing them in her hands, trying to keep in as much heat as she could, "for the shirt," she says when he turns to look at her. 

"Can't let you freeze," he shrugs and she smiles at him swinging her arms around her while stepping into the kitchen. 

"Are you alone?" She asks, looking around the room. 

"Yep," he says, popping the p, and she stops. 

"You sure it's okay for me to be here?" 

"No, I should totally throw you back out in the rain," he teases, voice heavy with sarcasm, and she rolls her eyes, closing the distance to the chair beside him, leaning into the back of it. 

There's a moment of silence where he's looking at her with a soft expression on his face, and she doesn't know what to do with herself.

"I just didn't want to be home," she blurts out, and he tilts his head, face puzzled. "You asked why I was at the beach," she states, and he shakes his head. 

"No, I asked why you were distracted on the beach," he corrects, and she shrugs.

"Same difference." 

"Is it?" 

"I just lost track of time, I guess. I like being there. It’s calming." 

"Is this why you like being there so much? ‘Cause it's calming?" He asks, looking intently at her.

"I'm not really calm in most places y' know?" She tells him after a beat.

"Not really," he chuckles.

She pulls the chair back, moving around it to sit facing him. 

"It's just that, most of the time, I'm way too conscious about everything around me, so when I find a place that makes me stop feeling like that, I tend to forget about anything else." She pulls her feet up to sit with her legs crossed, leaning forward to prop her chin in her hands, "so on a bad day I run to the beach," she thinks for a second, "that if M is not available," she chuckles and Calum is looking at her, trying to understand it, and a small part of her wonders why she’s so comfortable around him. 

"That sounds stressful." 

"Maybe? Most days I barely notice it. Some days I don't notice it at all, some days are hell though," she frowns and shakes her hand to move the sleeves up so she could use her hands, "I don't know, does it make sense?"

"Not at all," he says, shaking his head.

"Well, it doesn't make much sense for me either," she tucks her hair behind her ear, "like, if I'm in class or something, I'm really conscious of everything, but if I'm at M's place and we are playing something, I'm not."

"Are you stressed now?" He leans forward a bit, his gaze so intense Emma feels like he can see her thoughts. That alone should've been enough to make her freak out, but when she looks back at him, she's as calm as she possibly could. 

"Not really," she shakes her head. 

"Good, come here," Calum says, standing up, taking her hand, and pulling her with him. 

He walks them back to his room, still holding her hand, only letting go to sit down. She sits on his bed, kicking her shoes off and sliding into the bed while he fumbles around with his computer. 

She laughs when Avatar The Last Airbender starts and raises an eyebrow at him when he turns around. 

"What? It's good," he replies, standing up, "I was watching it before you got here. Now make room for me," he adds, making her roll her eyes while moving, crossing her legs, and leaning against the headboard. He settles beside her when the recap ends, and a clap of thunder makes her jump. 

"God, I hate storms," she whimpers and unconsciously leans closer to him. 

The episode is barely in the middle, Emma's head leaning on Calum's shoulder, when there's a flash, another thunder shaking through the house, and all the lights go out, leaving them in the dark. 

"I fucking hate storms," she grunts again, burying her face in his shoulder and making him laugh. "What?" She asks, lifting her head. 

"Nothing, I just don't think I've ever heard you swear before," he replies, making her groan and fight the urge to roll her eyes even though he can't see it. 

“Really? Me saying fuck is funny? How old are you? Ten?” She frowns, leaning back to the headboard.

“Yeah, something like that,” he replies with a chuckle and she laughs.

“You want me to say fuck more often? For you to get used to it?” She jokes, watching his silhouette become clearer as her eyes get used to the dark.

“No, you’re too cute for me to get used to it.”

“Cute? Sure, I’ll take it,” she chuckles, and he gets up searching for something.

She watches, trying to see what he was doing until a song she didn't know starts playing on his phone.

"Come on, get up," he says, holding his hand out to Emma, who just looked up at him, confusion on her face. 

"What? Why?" she asks, not moving, frowning at him suspiciously.

"I just want to try something," he takes her hands, and she lets him pull her to her feet. 

She watches as he takes her left hand and puts it on his shoulder before doing the same with her right.

"Cal, what are you doing?" 

“Can you just trust me, love?” He leads, making them move from side to side, and she chokes out a laugh. But she lets him move them, awkwardly dancing until it’s not awkward at all.

He moves a piece of her hair away from her face, and she feels her face heat up as his hand lingers on her cheek, and for a moment she's thankful there's not enough light around them, so he couldn’t see her blushing. She can barely make out his features in the low light, so she doesn't know if she is imagining the intensity in his gaze. 

They stop moving, and Emma can feel her heart hammering in her chest. She wonders what's going through his mind, and she thinks he's leaning in when her phone starts ringing and the lights come back on, making them jump away from each other. 

She clears her throat and shakes her head, moving to pick up her phone from the table while Calum scratches the back of his neck and starts looking at everything in the room but her. 

"Hi, dad," she answers, sounding a little baffled before she can put her thoughts in order, "no, I'm not in the rain, I'm at Calum's," she pauses, listening, "you know, dark hair in the band with M? You drove us here the other day. Yeah, yeah, near the beach," she pauses again. "Okay, see you in a bit." She hangs up and puts the phone in her back pocket, turning to Calum, "he's already coming to pick me up," she motions to her back, "maybe I should wait outside, he said he's close," he only nods at her, whatever was happening before is clearly gone now, "okay." She mumbles fidgeting with the ends of her sleeves, before putting her shoes back on. "I'll give you your shirt back next time I see you," she says, even though she still hasn’t returned his hoodie, and moves out of the room with Calum following her.

"Yeah, don't worry about it, love," he says from behind her. 

"Thank you," she murmurs when they reach the door, and she hears her father honking. Calum opens the door, and in a moment of boldness, Emma stands on her tiptoes, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "See ya, Cal," she says, rushing to her father’s car, leaving the boy standing there. 

He's still watching when the car turns, and she can no longer see him in the rearview mirror. 

______

Emma jumps when her phone rings on the counter, making her almost drop the tray she's about to set next to it. She puts the tray down before checking the phone.

From Cal: are u home? 

She blinks a couple of times before responding, still startled. 

To Cal: yeah… 

To Cal: why? 

From Cal: I think im early for rehearsal. 

She laughs and makes her way through the house, stepping out to the porch and seeing Calum sitting on the sidewalk. 

"Hey!" She calls for him, and when he turns around, she waves him over before buzzing the gate open.

"Hi, love," he greets her. 

"Hey," she motions for him to follow her inside. 

"I've never been in your house," Calum says, looking around. 

"Really?" She frowns at him. 

"Yeah. I wanna see your room," he states, and she laughs, leading him to it. 

She learns against her wardrobe as he studies the room. His attention is drawn to her bed or the wall behind it. 

"We have more pictures together than I thought," he says, getting closer to the pictures she has been taping there for a while now. Michael is the person with more appearances even if they never planned a lot of them. "This is cool," he adds without turning around. 

"Yeah, I like pictures. And they make the room feel more, mine, I guess." She moves to sit in the bed, watching him when he points to a picture of the two of them. Her favorite. Not that she had really stopped to think about it. One where they're on the beach and she's sitting between his legs, back to his chest, head on the arm he’s resting on his knee looking up to his face, and Calum looks really concentrated on whatever she was telling him at the moment. 

"I don’t think I’ve seen this one." 

"Oh, M took it and sent it to me," she shrugs, “I thought you saw it too.”

“No,” he says, distracted, turning to look around.

There's an awkward pause, and she catches herself staring at him as he moves, his gaze going to the other side of the room. 

"You have a guitar?" He points to the acoustic guitar she has set in a corner, sounding surprised. 

"It was my dad's. He said I could have it if I learned how to play it. I never did, though, not really, anyway," she explains, but his attention had already shifted to her keyboard. 

"You play that?" He asks, sounding impressed as he moves towards it, making her laugh. 

"Yep," she tells him, getting up from the bed when he sits on the bench near it. He looks back when she comes to stand behind him, looking a little in awe. 

"You're kidding," he says, and she shakes her head, "no way, how did I not know that?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, "you never asked, I never told you."

"We're friends 'cause of a band and the subject of you playing something never came up?" He turns, and she shakes her head. "Okay, any other talents I need to know?" He adds, making her laugh. 

"I bake?" She tells him, sounding more like a question, and he looks a little surprised. 

"You bake?" She nods, and he frowns, "you?" 

"Yeah, me." 

"That's something that should've been mentioned at some point," he exclaims, making her laugh. 

"I didn't feel like having to feed you all," she jokes and he opens his mouth and closes it again, thinking of a comeback.

"You know what? That's fair." 

"I was taking some brownies out of the oven when you texted me." 

“Really?” His eyes light up and she laughs.

“Come on,” she says, motioning for him to follow her and going back to the kitchen, with Calum in her heels.

Emma fumbles through the drawers, looking for a knife when she hears his cursing and starts laughing.

“I meant it when I said they had just come out of the oven,” she says, turning to him and seeing him pouting slightly, her heart skipping a beat as she registers how cute he looks. She shakes her head, moving to the counter, “just sit down, and prepare to be amazed,” she laughs and he gives her an impressed look.

“Okay,” he replies, sitting on the stool by her side while she cuts the brownie into squares.

“Here,” she pushes the plate towards him, before sitting and looking at him expectantly. 

He takes a bite and lets out a pleased groan that makes a grin show on her face.

“You’re my new favorite person,” he says and she starts giggling, “please marry me.” 

“You’re that easy?” She asks, trying to keep a straight face before breaking down laughing.

“Yes,” he tells her, laughing too.

“All I have to do is supply you with brownies?” 

“Yes, the only string attached.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she giggles, taking a piece for herself, “I think M is home,” Emma says, as a muffled guitar starts to play. She gets up and takes the plate with the brownies, and Calum follows her when she remembers something. “Wait,” she hands him the plate and runs to her room.

“I keep forgetting to give this back to you,” she says when she comes back, and he's still standing where she left him with a confused but amused frown, handing him the hoodie he lent her that day on the beach. “The shirt is washing, though, so you’re gonna have to wait,” she adds.

“It’s fine, love, don’t worry,” she smiles and takes the plate from him.

“Let’s go then.”

_______ If you wanna get tagged, please feel free to message me.

[wastelandcth]

Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - afi

summary: A brighter day is coming my way. 

author’s notes: I’m going to be really honest, this was @in-superbloom​ birthday present last week and I wanted to share it with her first before everyone else got to read it too. Inspired by this song!

warnings: angst, ashton is sad and that’s okay. 

masterlist || request

Ashton watched as the black clouds passed overhead, swirling into themselves before being spit back out. They were heavy with rain and at a moment's notice, prepared to flood the Earth with their torrential tears. If he was truly worried about the rain, he would've moved inside, found comfort in the warmth of the home he'd made for himself. He probably would've wrapped himself up in the fuzzy robe that was currently on the floor of his bathroom and laid around the house listening to the pitter-patter of the raindrops against the roof and the windows. He would've sipped on a warm coffee and watched as the mountains he lived in disappeared behind the fog of rain and thunder, listening to the music that nature provided for him. If he was really worried about the rain, Ashton would've been more careful to no be in his pool, floating through the water as he tried to clear his mind the only noise around him was the muffled sound of thunder beneath the surface of the water.

But Ashton did not have a care in the world. Well actually, that was a lie. He had a lot of cares in the world and it was sinking him down further and further, weighing on him like a stack of brick placed on his shoulders ready to pull him deeper under the water, until the first raindrop landed against his forehead.

The past couple of days had been a whirlwind for him. His body and mind were completely apart and Ashton had, on multiple occasions, found himself doing things he'd never even remember starting. There was the day where Ashton looked up only to find himself in the studio with Calum, something he hadn't remembered planning or even getting up to do. Then there was the date night he'd gone to, where his eyes were focused on the screen for far too long before he realized that he'd been at a movie theatre. It seemed like his life was going on without him and Ashton wasn't too sure how to stop it. The raindrop, a heavy and cold presence on his skin, left him gasping as the world paused for just a moment, everything hanging in a suspended silence before the sky opened up and curtains of rain fell down on Ashton.

"What are you doing?" a voice called out, over the splashing of rain and thunder, bringing Ashton's eyes from the sky and over to the sliding glass door that had opened up much like the skies had a few seconds ago, "You're an absolute madman!"

Ashton watched her, her own wide eyes watching the scene in front of her, as she rushed over to the edge of the pool with a towel in her hands and her eyes squinting as the raindrops crashed against her skin. He was out of the pool before he could even register his body moving, his hands taking the towel and wrapping it around his shoulders, not that it made much of a difference. The dry towel soon became another weight on his shoulders, soaked with rainwater and the pool water that Ashton had dragged out with him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked confused, his hands on her arms as he watched the soft strands of her hair stick to her forehead, "I thought you were out of town this week?"

"My meetings got canceled," she called out, her body jumping over the loud crack of thunder that shook the ground beneath them, "I called but you didn't answer."

Ashton frowned, his eyes searching for any sense of regret in her eyes, another loud crack of thunder finally spurring him into motion as his feet led both of them back through the glass doors. The whoosh of the doors sliding close, blocking out the rain storm from their shivering bodies, made Ashton's ears ring and with the silence that it left behind. His eyes watched his backyard, only hours before sunny and bright now covered in fog and clouds that felt more like his brain, the wind picking up and slamming down onto the ground. The trees around his house shook and swayed, dancing in the wind as the world shook around the storm.

"Ashton," her voice whispered, the warmth on her hand finding the cold skin of Ashton's back, the feeling sending goosebumps through his body as his eyes closed, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Ashton mumbled, "I guess it's just been a bad day," he shrugged, his eyes finally opening to look over at her, a frown finding its way on his face as he saw her, "We need to get you into a warm shower, you're going to get sick."

Before she could answer, before she could throw a snarky reply back at him, Ashton took her hand and led her through the quiet of his house. Their footsteps echoed through the halls, the silence cut sharply when the shower was turned on. He knew he was being stubborn, that she was just trying her best to help him vent and open up with what was on his mind, but Ashton could barely put into words what exactly was wrong. The bathroom was soon steaming, the warm fog enveloping Ashton and her in the safety of the shower, melting down Ashton's stress and fog in his own brain.

"I missed you," Ashton whispered, his forehead leaning against hers as he breathed in the steam, letting it clear his lungs and his mind, "I missed you a lot."

"I missed you too," she whispered, her hands coming up to tangle in the curls Ashton knew she loved so much, "And you know that I'm always here for you. That the cloudy days are going to clear up."

Laying in bed, under the bedsheets with the warmth of her body next to his, Ashton looked out the tall windows that his bedroom had. He remembered when he'd first toured the place, the large windows almost made him skip the tour, he had never liked the idea of big windows because it meant that he'd have to buy large curtains and he wasn't even sure where to start looking for them. But he eventually looked past the troubles that came with large windows and  as he laid there in bed, listening to the soft breaths that left her as she laid her head on his chest, he realized that those giant windows were a blessing. The storm outside had slowly passed, the harsh wind reduce to a soft breeze and the black clouds now replaced with thin white clouds floating through the sky.

"I love you," Ashton whispered, knowing that the words would fall on sleeping ears and that he would eventually find the courage to scream them out when she was awake, "Brighter days are coming our way."

Because Ashton knew that the dark days had taken over and that they felt impossible to get away from, that the wind and the thunder in his brain would soon end and eventually, the sun would shine. He knew that the cold he felt in his bones would be replaced with warmth one day, much like the warmth he felt there next to her in bed, and that eventually the stars would align and Ashton knew that tomorrow would be kinder.

join my taglist: @hoodhoran @moonlightcriess @mxgyver @calpops @karajaynetoday @notlukehemmo @calumrose @devilatmydoor @lowkeyflop  @conversecake @hemmo1996-5sosvevo @ashtonsunflower @2fangirl4u @multistann @wiiildflowerrr @himbohood @in-superbloom​ @suchalonelysunflower @killmywildflower @sebsbrokentoe @nicebasscalum @itwouldburnupintheatmosphere @mikelitorisdotcom @letmereadpls @hardcandyhemmo @xxxlaura @whywontyoulovemecami

[edge-oftheworld]

life update i guess. i feel like i got through the boy ep mania early with the close my eyes release (at least i'm hoping with the rest of it i can just. grieve and have hope all at once. i know the vibe of what's coming and i really need that in my life).

anyway, gonna try share more of the personal 'so this is what it meant to me' rather than 'this is what it means imo' sometimes, take the spotlight away from our beloved band members and their personal lives and into the listener experience--because i always have a hunch we have more in common than not as a fandom. i listen to a lot of music but i'm here blogging on tumblr about these guys because nothing unravels what's in my head like a 5sos song. which is why i love playing around with them and looking at different angles musically and lyrically!

right now, my bird is unwell and i'm literally so anxious all the time because of his health. and i know i need to slow down and also grieve lost futures etc (is it true if you're feeling anxiety it's a sign you need to grieve? or is that a myth idk) in order to best be there for him, and try show up well at my job etc too if only just so i can afford the vet bills. realising how much it's impacting me and life's not always like this and it won't be forever, but it's actually the most perfect time to be getting a new luke album (and ttpd, but we don't talk about her bc Boycott Things. i'm also rediscovering mistaken identity by delta goodrem which i do every 10yrs or so).

i'm also processing the whole religious trauma/ministry burnout thing. i know it's not a common thing to experience in my early 20s but i was a volunteer youth pastor for 3 years, in which i cared for a lot of people, saw a lot of pain, and wasn't really able to do everything and create the healing, freeing kind of connections I wanted, slowly realising not everyone goes to faith communities for these things and some are perfectly happy with the status quo. 5sos5 was the album that got me through the process of leaving that behind, and lately i've been thinking about making a little art moodboard comic thing with a slide for every song and what it means to me, bible verses related to that experience etc, and i hope i manage to prioritise doing that i think it'd be really good for me and when it's done i'll share it with you guys. make it pretty and visual and a story i can tell creatively to take back a little autonomy.

and then i'm also trying to walk my (asian, i'm half asian, and rn it's that side of the family that needs it most) through the process of discovering and accommodating neurodivergence. i'm lucky to be the one who has the resources to figure it out and so early in my life too, but it's hard to communicate between cultures and i'm so, so tired. there's so many feelings to navigate, everyone else's as well as my own. wfttwtaf has been really good for just helping process my feelings around that, but also actions, prompting me to imagine things from the kind of perspectives i need to, i don't know why it does this, but it does. the southeast asian inspo is minimal, but it's there enough for me to apply it to my life. and we're all trying to fight redefine the bloodline rn too.

i'm finding a lot of hope and optimism in finding myself as a musician through my orchestral arrangement of calm. inspired to keep chipping away at studying urban design through the city and place mentions of all their albums (as well as just the premise of somewhere new ep. i'm not really sure why). to figure out what it looks like to choose myself with superbloom. soothe my inner teen with sgfg, but process what was going on in leaving high school all those years ago (shut my eyes at 17, okay? i'm only just about to turn 23) with youngblood and trying to reclaim what's left of my youth inspired by the songs off self titled.

so i guess that's how it all relates to me. why i'm on here. and i know any projects i try to do are going to be slow rn bc i just have so much on, i'm trying to recover from burnout (board up my windows, tryna revive) and i'm so physically and mentally drained rn but this won't be forever. there's gonna be a nice, new equilibrium to come out of this and i hope soon. so thank you for being around while i gush about all these songs during this time!

oh!! and then processing my move interstate in literal december 2011 away from my childhood home in sydney with 2011 and efyts :)

[gender-identity-crisis05]

This post is just going to be me rambling on about 5sos5 so here we go.

I've been listening to this album since it dropped and I've been trying to explain how it makes me feel and why I love it so much and I think I just realized I love it so much because 5sos didn't make this album for anyone but themselves and the fans. they just put so much love and care into this album and made it extremely relatable and personal. It Just feels like they don't care if this album gets them awards and becomes really popular or anything like that It's just something that they wanted and needed to make And I know they've kind of been saying these things in interviews but never really hit me until I listened to the album because it's completely different from anything they've done before. But it also feels like it's all the past albums combined and all of their own personal music preferences put together and that no one's influences stand out more than the others on this album because with their past albums and this isn't a bad thing. But you can tell who had the most influence on them. Like with Sounds good Feels good You can tell that Michael had the most influence on that and this album doesn't have that. It feels like all of them and when I'm listening to the album I can hear how Ashton creating super superbloom helped with creating this album and Luke creating wfttwtaf helped create this album. Long story short, this album is absolutely incredible and amazing in my opinion their best album yet and Hope they never stop making music because that's what they were made for. And I'm so extremely grateful that they let this album see the light of day and that I get to experience listening to it and hopefully experience it live eventually.

If you read this whole thing. Thank you and sorry if it makes no sense and the punctuation and spelling is terrible. Those are not my strong suits.

Anyway, GO LISTEN TO 5SOS5 NOW!!!!!

[hemmohoran]

this is the fighting chart 5sos edition (you know the drill, i tag you to play and you tag people etc etc)

thank you to my lovelies @bandsanitizer @hoodharlow @suchalonelysunflower for tagging me 🥹🥹 i love you all with my whole heart 💕

alright listen i cannot fight for shit. i am the most delicate little flower in the land and i would crumble like a cupcake (my current strategy for fighting is one swift kick in the crotch and run so yeah)

but that being said luke has been testing me lately but i cannot break his perfect little face so he gets a free pass. and while i don’t want to fight him i think he’s the only one i could stand a chance with

michael is a little angel. i could never fight him and one rude look from him would have me in tears so yeah he’d win

i want to fight ashton on behalf of anna, sunny, and gemma but i shall not because he would beat me to the ground without a second thought

and finally mr hood. he’s my little nugget but let’s be honest we all would fight him if given the chance but like ashton he would beat my ass so fast so it would not be worth it.

but honestly one rude look from any of the four of them and i’d immediately back down and i think sunny would say something like “it’s because you’re an aquarius” and you know what she’s probably right. anyways i love these boys and they’re so strong that i would never in a million years stand a chance 😌✌🏻

i’m tagging (only if you want to of course): @wastelandcth @in-superbloom @camelliastreet @calumrose @mulletcal 💕💕 (just let me know if you want to do it and i’ll send you a blank one 😌💕)

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

T-Rated Cashton Fics Masterlist

a hug in a mug  (ao3) - allsassnoclass T, 3k

Summary: Ashton owns a coffee shop.  Calum comes in every day to order a coffee, but never drinks it.

Feels like Coming Home (ao3) - ismaki T, 56k

Summary: All Calum wants is to finish school and get away from his small town. He works hard to seem happy, to be respected and popular at school, to be diffrent, something more. To be someone. All Ashton wants is to get noticed by the boy with the easy smile but guarded eyes. All Michael wants is to escape, to take another hit, another drink, use another body. To feel something. And Luke? Luke just wants everyone to be happy.

for real - @sup3rbloom (haveufoundwhaturlookingfor) Calum/Ashton, brief Calum/OMC T, 4k

Summary: Michael keeps trying to set Calum up on blind dates, and one day Calum accidentally slips and says he has a boyfriend when he doesn’t, so Ashton offers to be his fake boyfriend. It works, until Calum messes things up.

In the Dark of This Place, There’s the Glow of Your Face (ao3) - orphan_account T, 4k

Summary: Ashton is a hungry light-sleeper. Calum is a home-invading, dog-loving drunken surprise in his backyard.

Loaf Love (ao3) - thegiftboxxx T, 4k

Summary: Ashton and Calum cat-sit for a weekend.

my thoughts are yours - @sup3rbloom​ - (haveufoundwhaturlookingfor) T, 4k

Summary: Soulmates can hear each other’s thoughts, and Ashton’s had to listen to Calum’s depressing thoughts for years. One night after a particularly bad night for Calum, Ashton finally gives in and wants to meet Calum, to make his soulmate finally feel better.

No Chance (ao3) - iCheeseYou (EHkook) T, 72k

Summary: So Ashton’s going on a road trip with his friend, Calum, and he invited me to tag along. Being the adventurous shit I am, I said yes, but I wouldn’t have if I knew that Luke Hemmings was going as well. God, I hate that guy, and the feeling’s mutual. Why does that annoying brat have to come along? And Ashton and Calum expect us to be friends? Yeah, right. There’s no chance that Luke Hemmings and I, Michael Clifford, are ever going to get along.

one year six weeks (ao3) - orphan_account T, 9k

Summary: “If Calum was honest with himself, he wasn’t sure what he was doing here. All he knew was that a year and six weeks was a long time to be without your heart. He knew that it had been a year and six weeks since he walked out of this apartment for the last time. He knew that, no matter how hard he had tried he couldn’t for the life of him forget.”

OR; Calum goes back to Ashton after a year’s time of trying to forget everything about him. What started as an innocent visit to quench the longing in his heart, ended with heartbreak and tears, again.

Post-You Blues - thegiftboxxx T, 6k

Summary: Calum and Ashton fix each other when someone else breaks them. They’re the only ones who know how to, after all.

red line (who am i?) (ao3) - sunshineash T, 1k

Summary: Ashton Irwin rides the Red Line to escape his thoughts.

Calum Hood finds him.

space may be the final frontier but it’s made in a hollywood basement (ao3) - kingscrossinseptember T, 6k

Summary: Of course they agreed to do it. When they’d been asked, they’d already signed several NDAs, so it wasn’t as though they could just pretend the whole interaction never happened. Plus, how badass would it be to fool the entire world into thinking people had landed on the moon?

or, 5 times Calum saw Ashton while faking the moonlanding, plus 1 time they met up without a government conspiracy ;)

stuck in between a nightmare and lost dreams (ao3) - bluesunnie T, 13k

Summary: The one where Calum writes Ashton a song for their second album, all because of that one night when Ashton got drunk and talked about his family.

Superbloom - thegiftboxxx T, 3k

Summary: Ashton brings Calum a CD.

Survivor’s Guilt - thegiftboxxx T, 9k

Summary: No one’s left but the three of them. Just Ashton, Calum, and his tiny yappy dog.

take my hand (ao3) - dioramas (nuages) T, 4k

Summary: when calum nods, painfully slow and almost angry with his own self as if he didn’t mean to, he knows it’s laced with alcohol too, and he feels defeated and like a champion all at once.

Take My Hand (Don’t You Ever Let Go) (ao3) - Anonymous T, 1k

Summary: (Or where Calum has a bad day, but Ashton makes everything better.)

the fallout (ao3) - sunshineash T, 27k

Summary: The second Ashton saw the gun being pulled from the inside of a trench coat, he tried to run and tackle the kid to the ground, but it’d been too late. He was staring down the barrel of an unforgiving assault rifle and bullets were spiraling towards him before he even had the chance to scream for it to just stop. He remembers them tearing though his flesh, such unbelievable agony making a throat-ripping scream tear from his lips. He remembers the blood seeping through his shirt as he fell to the ground and feeling guilty because ‘fuck, this is Calum’s shirt. He’ll kill me for ruining it.’ But, then, the thought set in that Calum couldn’t kill him for it, because he’d already be dead. or — calum takes care of ashton after he’s been in a shooting.

under the mistletoe - @sup3rbloom (haveufoundwhaturlookingfor) michael/luke, calum/ashton, sierra/crystal T, 4k

Summary: Michael needs a date to his work’s Christmas party. Luke offers to be his fake date. Michael should be thrilled about this, but Michael’s had a crush on Luke ever since they met each other. Now he has to fake date Luke for a party when his feelings aren’t fake at all.

wanna share? - thegiftboxxx T, 10k

Summary: Ashton supposes this is what he gets, though, for allowing the school to drop a random roommate in with him but he still expected to see the guy at least a little during the day

or, the one where Calum and Ashton are college roommates who only see each other at night.

When You Say Jump, I Ask How High (ao3) - orphan_account T, 5k

Summary: An end of tour party ends with Calum getting a tattoo while way too drunk and now he has to face the consequences……..and the boy who inspired it.

[werewolfashton]

random collection of things that i need to remember about this concert and the people there. this will be random but there's no better place to put it tbh soz (there're no spoilers for the setlist tho in case anyone decides to take a look at the following insanity)

gotta be sappy first. so i had A Day right. by the time i got to the venue i was ready to fucking bawl my eyes out and not in a fun way. so i was pretty preoccupied before the show. however, 5 minutes before showtime i had the realisation that 5sos have in fact been essentially my life for two years and led me to have an amazing group of friends. like. god idk where i'd be. so that was fun. i cried. these fuckers weren't even on stage yet. but yeah i just spoke to aria about it too, seeing these guys was so much different to seeing other bands bc they just mean so much more not only bc they are themselves an incredible band but also bc of all the people that are attached to them now for me personally.

fun stuff from the day:

alex (a restaurant next to the venue) playing only 5sos the entire day (i got to listen to never be when i went to use their restroom lol)

they also had this standing around:

best. fucking. time. i've ever had in a line. it was so fun. when we got to go move into a separate waiting area,, aka shortly before getting into the venue,, the entire first part of the line sang history by 1d. i've. yeah no that was a lot. some people also had a box with them so we listened to not only 5sos but also bmth. i had the time of my fucking life. my apologies to 5sos if they had the misfortune to hear us all butcher teeth and also yell along to don't stop.

oh my god on that note the music they played in the actual venue? impeccable. wonderful waiting time listening to starting line and also some superbloom stuff.

hinds was cute. they had their 8th anniversary <3

now onto some thoughts i can remember having from the actual show:

i can't describe the feeling of seeing 5sos for the first time. i literally just stared in shock tbh.

curls. bounce.

michael pretty

💫 best dressed band 💫

"you're wearing my favourite shirt of yours"

"lean green ... bass machine ... ?" [looks like he regrets his entire life] the man who wrote the entirety of wfttwtaf and take my hand everybody

more bounce

head empty only bounce

there was this moment, and don't get me wrong now i'm aware he wasn't actually looking at me, but luke was looking at sth close by me? or sth? anyway from my perspective it was like having eye contact with him and frankly i will never recover

5sos:

berlin: YELL

like no literally during michael's talking break he made fun of it (there are vids on twitter i believe lmao) which led to:

michael: starts to talk about certain songs they played berlin: WOOOOOOOOOOO michael: why do you cheer like the songs are people that are here michael: can i just do this michael: lists random songs they played also completely forgot what they played after naming like 2 songs berlin: WOOOOOOOOOOO

also,, cheering for a hamster <3 best time of my life i can't lie

michael was actively questioning our sanity i think

oh also breaking news i'm actually in love with michael clifford thank you for your time

cake

(basically luke's goal seemed to be to make calum laugh and i just. it happened MULTIPLE TIMES and i am not okay)

muke

.. guitar ..

apparently these dudes are real? shocked and upset

OH idk which song it was. but one song calum sung alone for a bit and i by chance looked at luke and this fucker had the audacity to have the cutest fucking smile on his face i just

arm [yeah just fucking guess who this is about]

oh and on that note: ashton fucking irwin

LMAO actually:

[pause] [longer pause] fucking

"have a good cry <3" thank you king i will

bounce

so much bounce

luke: jump jump jump everybody: jumps me: please for the love of everything do not jump on the toe i broke literally last night

.. i did feel very bad for not being able to jump. but also? standing there while everyone who's surrounding you jumps? kinda cool experience i can't lie

adorable guy who i met literally that day holding my hand and bawling his eyes out during the second to last song i'm still not okay

my voice is gone <3 i have no tears left to give <3 one of my top 5 concerts

some pics that are very low quality i didn't really care to take any others tbh

[lashton-is-my-drug]

5SOS "Bloodhound" Lyric Analysis

Let's start with what was said for the Spotify Storyline for "Bloodhound"

"This song would have lived for 22 months before it was released. Love the way this chorus floats. Another great Michael production!"

Notice how nothing is said directly about the lyrical meaning at all...

On Ash's solo album "Superbloom", there's a track titled "Greyhound", which is a dog, of sighthound breed, which is known for its racing and hunting capabilities because of its aptitude for focused sight and speed. A bloodhound is a breed of dog known for its strength of smell.

I love the heat, I love the noise

Within a romantic context, sex. In a more general sense, a wild state of mind or state of being or not holding back (letting go).

I love my name inside your voice

Romantic feeling of being with someone. The high of knowing your partner wants to be with you, and he loves when his partner talks about him.

Do you still feel it all? Do you still feel it all?

Long term relationship, asking if the same amount of passion exists for their partner.

A million nights under the thumb

A million nights is a long time, Reflecting on being controlled.

I know my life has just begun

Even thought it’s taken a long time to get to this point, I know (Understanding) my life (living his own experiences) has just begun (even in his late 20’s, he can start on the path of living.

And I wanna feel it all I wanna feel it all

Desire for freedom.

Bloodhound

A breed of dog known primarily for its strong sense of smell.

I'm pickin' up the vibes all ‘round

Comparing oneself to the bloodhound in ability to accurately sense, attuned to your own feelings and sense of self and what your environment is telling you.

I'm dumb enough to drown it out

“Dumb” is a judgement call, not listening to others even though you do acknowledge it can be scary to put oneself out there.

No, I can't let it go

Declarative “No”. Listening to what the universe is telling you. Unwilling to let others tell you who you are.

Bloodhound, I'm livin' in the violet sounds

The word lavender (3 syllables) has too many syllables to fit in this line, so I suspect thats why the word violet was used. Violet does have 3 syllables, but it can be sung using only 2. Violet = Lavender = Long history associated with homosexuality. (https://www.cnn.com/style/article/lgbtq-lavender-symbolism-pride/index.html)

I'll kick it with the friends I've found

To “kick it” in the informal colloquial sense means to "spend time with". Finding community with people you can be yourself with.

Oh, I can't let it go

(He sunk his teeth into the bone)

Use of male pronouns. There's a switch from "I" to a "He". Leads me to believe it's referring to his partner. Voraciousness. His partner has a strong hold on him.

He took an "L" and he won't go home

“Took an L" is a phrase to mean someone has lost. “Won’t go home” refusing to give in to the loss.

Like he's gonna lose it all, Like he's gonna lose it all

Taking risks.

It took a while for me to see

It was a process for him to have a full realization or view.

Take off your mask on Halloween

Halloween, the day when people dress up in costumes to disguise themselves as something else. Taking off your mask on this day would mean revealing your true self when in the time of disguising oneself. Symbolic to “coming out of the closet”? It can be incredibly freeing (taking off the mask), yet also scary (Halloween) to do.

You can let 'em see it all You can let 'em see it all

It’s ok to be yourself, including what you’ve been hiding.

Bloodhound, I'm pickin' up the vibes all 'round, I'm dumb enough to drown it out, No, I can't let it go Bloodhound, I'm livin' in the violet sounds, I'll kick it with the friends I've found, Oh, I can't let it go, oh

We keep on dancing when the room is on fire

Passionate sex. Or, Living in your truth even when it’s not widely accepted. Room (being confined) is on fire (celebrating being oneself) in the face of adversity (being LGBT, considering the theme of this song).

Spend all our money on our dirty desires

Living without limits.

We keep on dancing when the room is on fire

And I can't let it go

Bloodhound I'm pickin' up the vibes all 'round I'm dumb enough to drown it out No, I can't let it go Bloodhound I'm livin' in the violet sounds I'll kick it with the friends I've found Oh, I can't let it go

Bloodhound Oh, I can't let it go Bloodhound Oh, I can't let it go